


habits of my heart

by heartcondemned



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Canon Compliant, F/M, First Dates, First Love, First Time, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Heartbreak, Hurt/Comfort, I'm Bad At Summaries, Kind of!, Light Angst, Mutual Pining, Pining, Romance, hes a lil clueless and innocent too, ushijima needs more love
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-22
Updated: 2021-03-12
Packaged: 2021-03-14 08:14:45
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 31,801
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28917408
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/heartcondemned/pseuds/heartcondemned
Summary: 'There are two things I know for certain; one, that Ushijima Wakatoshi is a volleyball superstar in the making. Two, that he is completely and utterly unobtainable.'In your second year at Shiratorizawa you form an unlikely friendship with the school's golden boy that takes your life in directions you never expected.  Fate has a funny way of bringing together the most unlikely people.
Relationships: Ushijima Wakatoshi/Reader
Comments: 25
Kudos: 153





	1. Chapter 1

It's always been a tradition for the cheer squad to finish up practise and then head across the grass quad to the other gymnasium and watch the volleyball team. In summer we sometimes watch the soccer team, or the basketball team if some of the player's manage to twist our arms; but more often than not, our sights are always set on the volleyball boys. There's just something so much more enticing about them.

Usually Coach Washijou doesn't mind us coming to watch as long as we don't distract the boys, which means having to sit silently in the stands, hardly daring to breathe unless we want to get yelled at. While the old coach may look old and feeble with his hunched posture and gnarled hands, he's the fiercest person in the whole school. The moniker 'Demon Coach' is not without reason.

Sometimes if cheer practise has been extra gruelling, we will just return back to our dorms without going to the other gymnasium, but more often than not we'll find the energy to check in on them. Since we go to nearly ever school game, the cheer squad is friendly with all of Shiratorizawa's sports teams. They appreciate our hard work and support at all of their matches- especially the volleyball team, which is probably the most successful club in the whole school. We've followed them all around the country, creating a close camaraderie in the time we've spent together.

Of course it was inevitable that a few girls on the squad would develop crushes on the volleyball players. They're only human, after all, and the boys are like demigods. Their prowess on the court and huge success only makes them that more attractive. I'm not sure whether the boys pretend not to notice it, or if they're all very humble.

Either way, the boys have been banned from dating any of us by Coach Washijou. In my first year, only a few months after I joined the squad, I remember him yelling at us in the gymnasium so vigorously that spit collected at the side of his mouth; saying that we were to stay away from his team so they could stay focused, and if he found out there was any fraternisation he would cut all ties with us.

I'm in my second year now, and as far as I know nobody has ever been entangled. The girls like to watch the boys from afar, knowing it will never go further. It's almost like a game. Sometimes we treat it as 'What If', creating scenarios and then sighing wistfully with the realisation they'll never come true.

I always wonder if the boys do the same. Then I realise they're so fixated on becoming the best high school volleyball team in Japan that they probably have little time to dwell on much else.

None more intense than Wakatoshi Ushijima.

Obviously, he is the most handsome boy on the team by a mile; his tall, muscular body only adds to his overall appeal. Yet he is never really the object of any of the other girl's eyes; they say he's too scary, too vehement, too extreme. Sometimes I think that he doesn't help himself. I don't think I've ever seen him properly smile, or even talk to a girl outside of a few brief exchanges with girls on the squad- that he never initiated.

When he first came to Shiratorizawa last year and his volleyball aptitude became apparent, nearly all the girls fell at his feet. He was the full package; devastatingly handsome, extraordinarily talented and famous. 

However, the hype soon died down when he failed to reciprocate anybody's interest. The only thing he seemed to truly care about was volleyball. He made it no secret that he had no time for anything- or anyone- else. This, of course, made him increasingly less popular. He's still well renowned throughout the school, but people tend to give him a wide berth. And he doesn't do anything to rectify that. In fact, I'd say he likes the solitude.

While most girls on the squad like Semi, the pretty boy, or Reon, the sweetheart; I can't help but be fascinated by Ushijima's stoic charm. Okay, it's hardly charm, considering how blunt he is, but there's something about him. Maybe I just like the strong, silent type. Or maybe I think, deep down, there is a lot more hidden depth to him. Either way, whenever we sit in practise or at official games, I can never take my eyes off him. Not even for a second.

The worst bit of all is that I don't think he's even noticed my existence. The cheer squad are so insignificant to him, to someone with his level of excellence. We're mere annoyances in the background, not even worth his time or attention.

Some people call him rude. Others call him misunderstood. I'm torn between the two. He's certainly very coarse, yet there are some moments when I see just a glimpse of humanity from him. In the small smiles he only offers Tendou, the winces of pain when he's stretching after an invigorating match, how he bows to the water and ball boys who wait on his hand and foot.

It makes me like him even more.  
  


***

After a particularly gruelling practise on Monday, none of the rest of the squad want to stop by to check on the boys. They all want to retreat back to the dorms and shower before bed, considering it's later than normal. Our practise always finishes forty minutes before the volleyball team's. Tonight though, it's only twenty minutes.

However, I'm restless and still energised. If I went back to my dorm, I know I'd be too distracted to study and too worked up to sleep. I need to burn off the remainder of my energy. So I say goodbye to the squad and head across the grass quad in the opposite direction to them.

The team are in the middle of an intense practise match so they don't even notice the door closing behind me. The harsh sound of the volleyball slapping against the wooden floor and grunts of exertion are all that is to be heard.

I creep up to the stands, dumping my bag at my feet and leaning against the railings. The air conditioning is on full blast up here, so I don't have to worry about my cheer uniform sticking to me with sweat too badly. Admittedly, I maybe should've changed into something less gross before coming here, but the idea gripped me so suddenly I didn't have chance to prepare.

As always, my eyes hone in on Ushijima immediately. He's part of the front rotation at the minute, right at the centre of the net. On the other side, directly opposite him, I can practically see Yunohama's knees quaking in fear. I bite back a laugh. Yunohama is terrified of Ushijima. I don't blame him. Anyone would shake beneath that fierce glare.

I'm just glad I'm not on the court.

It never fails to amaze me how violent and frenzied volleyball can become, especially with our school team. With Ushijima's brutal spikes, Tendou's constant taunts, Semi's unforgiving serves and Soekawa's amazing receives, there's no wonder they're the best team in the prefecture. Practically untouchable. I know they're not the best team in Japan yet, but this year I really think they have the potential to go to nationals and prove their worth.

I'm so lost in thought that I almost don't spot the ball whizzing towards me. Only when I hear the whistle of wind resistance do I come to attention, managing to duck out of the way just in time. With a squeal, I throw my hands over my head and fold myself in half. The ball hits the wall behind me with a loud thwack, reverberating the whole structure.

"Sorry, Y/N!" Reon shouts up. "I wasn't trying to hit you!"

Bending down, I pick the ball up and toss it back over the railings. Reon catches it effortlessly, smiling widely at me.

"That's what you get for daydreaming," he teases. All I can do is pout in response. I'm fully aware that Coach is glaring at me from the bench and I don't want to get accused of interrupting practise.

When my eyes slide back down onto the court, my heart leaps when I accidentally make eye contact with Ushijima. It's so brief, only lasting a few seconds before he tears his gaze away, but it's enough to dangerously increase my heart rate. I clench my trembling hands on the railing.

I'm not sure why I'm so shaken by this bare minimum contact. Maybe because I was so sure that he didn't know I exist, now I know for sure that he does. I wonder what he thought in the moment he was looking at me. Was he even thinking about me? Or was he simply annoyed that I'd almost been hit by the ball? It doesn't help that his expression is constantly deadpan. Nor did he smile. He just looked at me with the same cold indifference he does with everyone else.

I suppose I'll never know.

Ten minutes later, Coach calls off the game and announces practise is over. Of course Ushijima's team won the match, but even his opposing team mates don't look surprised by the verdict. Shirabu is bright red in the face and panting heavily, obviously having struggled to keep up with the team's current ace. I have to admit, his tenacity is to be admired.

"Y/N!" Semi calls. "Come help us clean up!"

Picking up my bag, I hurry down the steps and onto the court in a record of forty seconds. Skidding to a halt, I almost slip on the sweaty floor. Semi has to reach out and catch me before I fall face first. Looking up at him, I give him a shy smile. Even though I like Ushijima, I still get flustered around Semi. What can I say? He's hot.

"So, what did you think of the game?" He asks, joining me in my mission of picking up the discarded balls around the edge of the gymnasium. They must have used every single one from the storage closet, I realise in mild annoyance. Honestly, boys are so messy.

"So good!" I exclaim, hoisting a ball under each armpit. "Apart from almost getting decapitated."

"I already said I'm sorry!" Reon calls from the other side of the court, making me giggle.

"How come the rest of the squad didn't come?"

"They said they were tired and wanted to shower," I reply. Tendou is in charge of the ball cart, which means he's skating around the gym wildly with it, making it impossible to deposit any of them. Yunohama yells at him to stop but he takes no notice.

"At least you came," Semi remarks easily. My heart, ashamedly, skips a few beats at this statement.

He saunters off easily, leaving me rooted to the spot with my mouth open like a goldfish. Tendou breezes past, giggling to himself as he plucks the balls out of my grip.

"You're flustered," he informs me, leaning nonchalantly against the cart.

"No I'm not," I grumble, slapping my palms to my cheeks. I still in horror when I realise my skin is a lot warmer than usual. This, of course, causes Tendou to cackle wildly.

"Tendou!" A familiar deep voice calls out. Just hearing it turns my insides to mush. "Will you take the jerseys to the wash room?"

"I'm busy," the redhead whines.

"I'll do it!" I pipe up immediately. Before I can even think about what I'm doing, I hurry over to Ushijima and take the sweaty, blue jerseys out of his hands. Our skin brushes against each other, I manage to suppress my shiver.

"You shouldn't have to. After all, Tendou is part of the team-"

"I don't mind!" I say brightly, voice slightly strained with the effort of not letting it crack. "You guys are busy so I'll help."

He gives a short nod. "Thank you..." His voice trails off, olive eyes looking at me expectantly. I'm so lost in his stare for the second time tonight I almost don't snap out of my trance in time.

"L/N!" I respond quickly. "L/N, F/N!"

"Thank you, L/N," he says, before turning away to help take down the net.

I hurry away too, surprised at the speed I manage even though my legs feel like jelly. I can't believe he spoke to me! We brushed hands! I've never been so close to him in my life.

Okay, so it was a little embarrassing he didn't know my name, but he does now. The way he said it was enough to give me goosebumps.

Shutting myself in the wash room, I let out a long exhale as I lean against the door. Letting my head roll back and hit the wood, I close my eyes and breathe shallowly through my nose.

It's embarrassing how badly I've got it for him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this story is set during ushijima's second year at shiratorizawa, so him the current third years are in their second year. hope this clears up any confusion!


	2. Chapter 2

I'm still thinking about Ushijima the next morning at breakfast. I sit at our usual table in the school cafeteria, chewing my way through mushy cereal and sipping lukewarm tea, my heart not in it. The other girls are talking loudly over my thoughts, discussing tonight's practise, boys, homework, boys, lessons, the next school break and boys.

Because of our close proximity, the majority of my friends are on the squad too. We spend a lot of time together so obviously we've become close in the year I've been at Shiratorizawa. My best friend is undoubtedly Tamura Sana, a bright, bubbly, loveable airhead who sticks to my side like glue. We form a group of with Miyazaki Ruki, Nakajima Yui and Sugiyami Eichi, though some of the time it's just us two.

I was terrified transferring from an American middle school to a Japanese high school. It was probably the scariest thing I've ever had to- and ever will have to- do in my life. Even though I'd spent my summers in Sendai with my grandparents, understanding the language and accustomed to the culture; it was still the biggest shock of my life actually moving here; knowing it was permanent and that I wouldn't be returning to Chicago. There was nothing to fall back on, I felt so hopeless and lost.

If it wasn't for Sana, I don't think I would've survived. As all extroverts do with introverts, she took me under her wing straightaway and vowed to do right by me. I think she must've taken pity on how hopeless I looked on my first morning at Shiratorizawa; in my too-big uniform, barely holding back tears with huge bags under my eyes. She said she could tell I was a foreigner as soon as I spoke to her because of my accent and pronunciation, which made her want to look after me even more. As well as being my best friend, I'll always owe her for the kindness she showed me all that time ago. I don't know how I'll ever make it up to her.

It's my second year in Japan, the first week of my second year at Shiratorizawa and I've somehow managed to fit right in. In fact, my peers thought it was fascinating that I'm a foreigner and demanded to know all about America and the West, intrigued at all of my stories. I've lived here for so long that Chicago seems like a different lifetime ago. I can barely remember what it's like there anymore, aside from the snow and cinderblock skyscrapers.

I think I've had to focus so much on integrating into a foreign school that I've completely forgotten what home was ever like.

But I'm happy here. And that's the main thing. I've got a good group of friends, Shiratorizawa is an excellent school for both scholastics and extracurricular clubs which I make the most of, and I actually love living on campus. My parents expected me to be terrified at the prospect of living in a dorm, but I was absolutely ecstatic. It reminds me of Harry Potter. I still miss my family, obviously, though I see them on the occasional weekend and I go home for holidays. Sometimes they come to watch Shiratorizawa sports games too.

I'm mechanically spooning the remainder of my cereal into my mouth as Yui tells me about some art project she's starting, when she cuts herself off with a gasp. Her mouth clicks shut so forcefully that her teeth snap. Confused, I turn around with a sleepy glare and when I see the cause of the disturbance, my spoon falls out of my hands and into the bowl with a clatter.

The volleyball team has just walked in, in all their tall, handsome, mysterious glory. Separately, the boys are pleasant people who are easy to talk to, but banded together, they're a terrifying, intimidating force. Seeing them all crowded behind Ito Kane, the captain, is enough to make me shiver.

Despite only being a second year, Ushijima is already the tallest and probably the most built. Ito is very muscular too, but what he makes up for in strength he lacks in size, making him look more compact. Of course he's intimidating in his own right, but his friendly face doesn't quite sell it. However, Ushijima's blank expression says more than enough.

"Gosh," Yui shudders as they walk past, blowing a cold breeze as they do. "They're so scary."

Yui isn't on the cheer squad. We became close because of mutual friends and we're in a lot of the same classes, working together on most projects and being study partners. She's very quiet and mousy, tending to stay in her shell. Most days it's hard to get her to even talk at all. Still, her presence is very comforting.

"They're not too bad," I defend, trying not to stare. Nobody else tries to hide their gawping. The volleyball team always dominates the attention of whatever room they walk in to. "They're nice when you get to know them."

"Did you catch their practise last night?" Sana interjects, having finished talking to Koharu about a boy on the basketball team who asked for her number the other day. Sana always gets the attention from boys. She's so pretty and easygoing that they're naturally drawn to her like a moth to a flame. Sometimes the boys she turns down will turn to me in desperation, I always stomp this out quickly.

"Yeah. It was so intense."

Sana giggles. "Isn't it always? Was Semi there?"

I roll my eyes. There's an ongoing joke on the squad that Semi has a crush on me. This couldn't be further from the truth. There's nothing to even back this claim up, the girls just noticed that we're friendly so got this idea into their heads. Honestly, it gets a bit tiresome. It's only made more awkward when they tease me about it in front of him.

"Obviously. He's part of the team."

As if on cue, I happen to catch his eye across the cafeteria. He smiles shyly and waves at me. Ignoring the girl's burning stares, I wave back lamely, wishing the ground would swallow me up. As soon as he looks away, my eyes drop to the tabletop and I refuse to look up.

"Um, Y/N-chan," whispers Sana, leaning in so close her hair tickles my cheek. "Someone else is looking at you too."

Frowning, I hazard a glance upwards. My heart freezes in my chest when I find myself staring at Ushijima. Again.

A small squeak escapes my throat, making the girls at the table burst into hysterical giggles. If I wasn't drowning on dry land, I'd hit them all. However, I'm frozen solid. Barely able to even lift my hand to wave at him. Instead, I force the tiniest of smiles in his direction.

He doesn't reciprocate, of course. Instead, he just looks away and sits down at his table, his back to me.

Ruki snickers. "Have you got a thing for Ushijima?"

"Don't be stupid. Oh my god, does my hair look okay? I probably look like I've got an awful bedhead," I wail.

Yui raises an eyebrow. "Why do you care so much if you haven't got a thing for him?"

"I don't!"

"To be fair, he _is_ terrifying," Ahmya remarks. "His eyes are so cold. He looks like he's constantly judging you."

Despite being mortally embarrassed, I still want to defend him from her harsh- yet true- words. He can't help his face. I'm sure he isn't as mean as everyone expects him to be. He was probably thinking perfectly pleasant thoughts, albeit looking at me like he wanted to crush me with one hand. 

Yeah, right.

Grabbing my tray, I stand up so quickly I knock my thighs against the table. "I have to go and get ready for class. See you later."

Without waiting for them to reply, I dump my tray at the cleaning station and hurrying back to my dorm room.

I feel a pair of eyes on my back, but I'm too terrified to turn around and see who they belong to.

***

As opposed to the night before, the whole squad joins me in the volleyball gymnasium after practise. We must enter too loudly because Coach Washijo scolds us for 'giggling like schoolgirls and distracting his team', which only makes us want to laugh more. When we're walking up the stairs to the stands, we collapse onto each other and laugh even more hysterically. I have no idea why we're all so hyper tonight, we must not have worked hard enough tonight to have this much energy.

The boys are only doing spike drills, cooling down from a practise match, so they stop what they're doing to look up and wave at us. It's funny how different they become when they know girls are watching them. More intense, more rowdy, more conscious of how they look. It seems like they're vying for the girl's attention, seeing who can be the loudest and also the most impressive on the court. I compare it to a mating ritual in my head.

All the boys apart from Ushijima, of course. Nothing phases him. He never seems perturbed by our presence, hardly noticing we're there. He's so focused on becoming the best player he can be that he obviously doesn't have time for distractions. While this makes me sad, I have to remember that I'd never have a chance with him anyway, so there's no point getting worked up over a scenario that would never happen.

I suppose I admire him, in an odd way. I wish I was so driven and unable to deviate from my goals. Apart from studying, I'm not really passionate about anything. While I love cheerleading, I mostly stick to it because I know I'm good at it and I've done it nearly all my life. Admittedly, my life would be a lot easier if I didn't have to devote such a large portion of my time to it. But I don't want to disappoint my parents, so I carry on with it.

Our current third-year captain, Kishi, said I was her first pick to becoming captain next year, though the more I think about it, the more I think I might have to turn down her offer. Even thinking about that kind of pressure makes me want to puke. 

At the end of their practise, Coach Washijou tells us to make ourselves useful and help clean the gym. He doesn't even need to ask. We've gotten so used to clearing up that we don't need to be asked- yet he still likes to remind us that he's in charge, that we have to listen to everything he says.

Once him and the other coach leave, we can all finally relax and enjoy ourselves. The boys loosen up so much that they're almost unrecognisable, laughing and smiling more than I've ever seen them. Their shoulders become visibly less burdened, their voices ringing loudly and jovially through the high ceiling of the gym.

It's hard to say who is the most reluctant to doing the work; the boys or girls. The boys use the excuse they have to properly stretch and cool down, while we argue that it isn't even our job- we're doing it solely out of the kindness of our hearts.

And because we have crushes on them. But their egos don't need to hear this.

In the end, we end up working in tandem; the girls collecting the balls and sweeping up while the boys mop the floor and take care of the sweaty jerseys. I notice that Ushijima is in charge of taking them to the laundry room. I have to fight the urge to follow him; reminding myself that one, I'm not that brave and two, he'd probably be mortified if I trailed after him. He's a very private person, rarely speaking even to those he's close with. He prefers to let the conversation wash over him, all while his sharp eyes observe his surroundings thoroughly.

"Y/N-san!" Tendou trills, sidling over to me in the storage closet as I slot the mop back into place. His silent, wraith-like presence is enough to make me squeak in surprise, jumping two inches in the air.

Clutching my chest, I turn to him with slightly laboured breathing. "A bit of warning next time!"

"Sorry! Do you want to set some balls for Ushiwaka and me? Everyone else is being boring."

Straightening up, I tuck my hair behind my ears. "Sure," I agree, ignoring the hammering of my heart at the prospect of being in even a two meter radius of the volleyball superstar. "It isn't out of sufferance though, right?"

"Nope. We have a practise match this weekend and we want to get some extra practise in."

Flicking the light switch off and closing the door, I say, "You never usually do extra practise. Semi is always on your ass about it."

Tendou gasps dramatically, clutching his chest in faux heartbreak. "How could you be so cruel Y/N-san? After everything we've been through."

"Stop," I giggle, aiming to swat at him. I know many people find Tendou too much- especially his teammates- yet I love spending time with him. He has such a refreshing personality, so uniquely odd and hilarious. I hope in future we can get closer.

When we get back onto the court, the squad girls have already collected their bags and are heading out to go. They ask if I want to get a late dinner with them and the volleyball team but I politely decline, assuring them I'll eat when I get back to the dorms. I'm sure there'll be a pack of ramen somewhere in the communal kitchen.

Once at the door, I notice that Semi turns around to look back at us. I catch his eye and smile widely, waving him off. He hesitates, before reciprocating a small smile and hurrying after his teammates.

I don't dwell on this interaction until I hear a smug humming from behind me. Whirling around, Tendou is smirking down at me.

"What?" I deadpan.

"Nothing," he says innocently. "So... Semi, huh?"

I scoff so harshly it grates my throat. "You better not start that too. I get enough from the squad."

"Oh-ho! So it's true!"

"No!" In my peripheral vision, I can see Ushijima has finished adjusting the net

and is watching us carefully. His expression, as ever, gives nothing away; I'm still horrified at the thought of him overhearing Tendou's ridiculous accusation.

There's an obvious reason why I don't want him to know. Not that it would change anything.

"You should be careful, Coach said we weren't allowed to date any of you girls."

Unable to help myself, I gently shove him in the shoulder which makes him laugh even harder.

Ushijima says nothing as Tendou tells him I'll be helping them practise, simply giving a stiff nod that isn't even in my direction. Perhaps I'm so enamoured by him that I don't find this rude, but maybe I should. My mother's voice rings in my head, telling me to have more self respect.

Tendou and Ushijima stand on one side of the net, me on the sidelines as I overhand pass it to Tendou, who sets it to Ushijima. The sets change with varying speeds, heights, angles and trajectories; but he manages to hit every single one, slamming it into the other end of the court.

When we've used up all the balls, I scurry over to collect them while Tendou and Ushijima talk quietly with their heads together. I don't know why my ears burn, deep down I know there's no way they're talking about me. Or if they are, it'll be something derogatory. Probably how I'm not being helpful, or Ushijima telling Tendou he wishes he'd never asked me.

"I'm going to work on receiving," the redhead tells me, his tone light and musical as always. "You can set to Ushiwaka, right?"

I grip onto the ball in my hands so tightly it's a miracle I don't pop it. "Uh... I can try."

Looking up at Ushijima with wide eyes, he just gives a stoic nod. "That's fine. I will guide you."

Too terrified to speak, I just nod and try to stop my knees from knocking. He's so scary.

The first set is fine. I manage to toss it with enough height so Ushijima can smack it over the net, bouncing straight off of Tendou's inner arms as he groans in pain. A normal teammate would tell him it doesn't matter and to try again next time, but the hitter remains silent. Never breaking a sweat or showing any signs of strain. He's like a machine.

Tendou manages to send the third ball back over the net, Ushijima catching it expertly. I'm so mesmerised by their volley that I startle when he turns to me and he begins talking in his deep timbre.

"Could you possibly set them higher next time?"

Inwardly, I cringe at his comment. He was polite, but it's obvious he's thinking how terrible I am. I knew this was a bad idea.

"Sure. Sorry," I mumble. "It's just that you're so tall."

Ushijima nods. "I understand. You are doing fine, though."

"Oh," I exhale. "Well that's a relief. Sorry again."

Taking this into account, I bend my knees and put more power into the next set. I gasp when he leaps up from the balls of his feet, almost clearing the net and smashing it down onto Tedou's arms with such velocity I'm surprised he doesn't shatter any bones.

Ushijima turns to me. "Perfect. Thank you."

Tendou staggers backwards. "You're a monster."

"Your receives just need work," the hitter deadpans. "You could try bulk training too."

Tendou snorts. "Let's not get ahead of ourselves."

The more we practise, the more comfortable I get tossing to Ushijima. Once my nerves start to dissipate, the better my throws become. The stiffness in my shoulders was only making it worse. Ushijima doesn't look impressed, nor does he compliment me, but Tendou keeps shouting encouragements which I appreciate. I respond to each one with a thumbs up.

After twenty minutes, Tendou shouts over the net to call it quits. He looks exhausted, as Ushijima's insane spikes have had him running all over the court and gymnasium trying to chase them up.

Reluctantly, Ushijima accepts this is all the practise he is going to get tonight and joins Tendou taking down the net. Because they're taller than me, this is an easier job for them so I'm in charge of the discarded volleyballs. Glancing up at the clock in the gymnasium, I see it's a little past ten pm. Fortunately I managed to get most of my homework done over lunch period, so I can get back to my dorm and go to bed. Even though all I did was stand still and throw the ball, I'm exhausted.

Ushijima locks up while Tendou and I wait on the step for him to finish. Even though it's April and the weather is mild, I still find myself shivering. I think it must be out of anticipation, because it's certainly not cold, but as to what, I can't explain.

"Do you want us to walk you to your dorm?" Tendou offers.

"Oh no thanks!" I say quickly. "It's okay."

"But it's dark. Are you not scared?"

"Nope!" I rub the pads of my fingers together, a nervous habit. "There's lights so I'll be fine. I'm only in the West block."

"That's ages away!" Gasps Tendou. "We'll come-"

"Tendou," Ushijima says, deep voice clear and calm. "L/N said she is fine. Trust her."

My eyes go wide. Even though a small, hopeful part of me wanted Ushijima to offer to walk me by myself, I realise that was too much to ask. From the brief time I've spent in his company, he seems pretty dense and unable to pick up on social cues. However, I feel strangely pleased that he is standing in my corner about this.

"It's the gentlemanly thing to do!" Tendou argues. "Ushiwaka, you can't let a lady walk back on her own!"

"Why ever not?"

I sigh. "I'll just get going. Thanks, guys. I had fun tonight."

Without another word, ignoring Tendou's cries, I speed off in the opposite direction, not looking back once.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i have no idea who the previous captain of shiratorizawa was so i just had to use my imagination since i couldn't find any info in the manga
> 
> i picture sana as sana from twice but obviously they're not the same person lol but like imagine who you want!


	3. Chapter 3

It's Thursday afternoon when Reon catches me on the way to the cheer clubroom. He practically jumps out from behind a wall, making me squeal in shock and stumble backwards. I manage to correct my footing before I fall, but the embarrassment aches more than any tumble does.

"Sorry, Y/N!" He laughs, not at all apologetic. "I didn't mean to surprise you."

"No, no, I completely expected you to be lurking behind the wall," I grumble. "Is everything okay?"

"Are you coming to the practise match on Saturday?" He asks, running a hand over his cropped hair. Even after a full day of school, he still looks perfectly put together. Not dishevelled in the slightest. Suddenly, I become very aware of my own messy appearance.

"You don't need cheerleaders at a practise match!"

"No," he chuckles. "Not as a cheerleader- a spectator. The guys told me to ask."

I try to ignore the rapid speed of my heart. The guys? As in plural? Who possibly wants me at the match that couldn't ask themselves? I didn't even know they thought of me like that. I assumed my presence went amiss when I was in the gymnasium, even more invisible during school hours. Even though I have a few classes with certain members, I didn't realise they noticed me.

Truthfully, I had been planning on checking in at some point. But to avoid looking like a weirdo, I flip a messy pigtail over my shoulder in an attempt to look cool. Judging by the way Reon bites his lip and smiles, it had the exact opposite affect.

"I don't know..." My voice trails off. "I have cheer practise until twelve so I don't know if I can make it..."

"The game starts at one. That's plenty of time, right?"

Blinking, I smile sheepishly. So much for being covert. "Sure. Okay then. I'll be there."

Reon grins. "Great. See you around, Y/N."

He jogs away, obviously heading to his own practise. I'm still in a daze when I walk into the clubroom, slipping my shoes off and making a beeline for my locker. It's like muscle memory by now, I don't even need to think. I shrug off my too-big blazer, loosen my tie and begin unbuttoning my shirt. I'm aware of girls talking around me, but I feel like I'm in a catatonic trance as their words wash over me.

"Earth to Y/N!" A dainty hand waves in front of my face. So close to the tip of my nose I have to recoil. Focusing my gaze, I see Ruki grinning at me. She's already in her uniform, meaning I must be late. Better get a move on before Kishi lectures me.

"Sorry," I murmur.

"Are you okay? Something on your mind?"

"Just homework. Nothing serious."

Ruki nods sagely. "I can help you with it if you like?"

"Nah, it's okay."

I don't want to tell her that my grades are better than hers, and my academic achievements were part of the reason I got a scholarship to Shiratorizawa in the first place, because one, it's a moot point and two, I'd just feel mean. She's only trying to help. If anything it's my fault for lying. I'm not even sure why I don't tell her the truth.

Is it because I don't want her and the rest of the squad intruding? I don't think I'd be that selfish, but as I'm pulling my shorts on, I'm struck with the realisation that it is exactly this reason.

Unable to dwell on it anymore, I slam my locker shut and hurry out of the clubroom since I'm the last one left. That's never happened before. I'm always one of at least the first five. Stupid boys. Why do they have to be such a distraction?

"Y/N-chan!" Sana calls from the opposite side of the gymnasium. Thankfully everyone is still doing warm-up stretches so I haven't missed as much as I feared. Maybe if I'm lucky I can slink in without anyone noticing-

"Y/N!" Another voice calls, except this one is more chilling. I wince as Kishi's steely voice shoots through me. Stiffly, I turn around to face her with an apologetic expression already stuck on my countenance.

"I'm sorry!" I wail. "I didn't mean to be late!"

Kishi's cold expression cracks as she begins snorting. "How can I stay mad when you're pulling that face? Just make sure you're not late again. If you still want that captain position next year, you have to be an example to these girls."

"Right," I nod, dazed. That was ridiculously easy to get out of. Even though everyone likes Kishi, she can be terribly scary when the mood takes her. Mercifully, today must not have been one of those days.

I'd hoped she would've dropped any expectations of me being captain. I'm torn over Being captain would look amazing on applications, especially if I want to continue at college level; I just don't know if I have the authority to be a captain. Sure, I get along with all the girls on the team and they take my advice because I've been doing it for so long, but it's a completely different respect than how they respond to Kishi. She's a natural leader and authoritarian. I'm too much of a people pleaser, worried I'll offend my friends. Mostly, I just don't think I have the confidence.

I mull over it for a while as I complete my stretches and laps around the gym. Although Kishi didn't put a time limit on how long I had to make a decision, I know it has to be soon so she can begin training me up. Perhaps next time she mentions it I can put someone else forward. Ruki would be a good choice. She's sharp, opinionated and not afraid to speak her mind; just like Kishi. She'd be the perfect candidate. And because she's my friend, I wouldn't mind her taking the opportunity from me.

As practise begins to get more complicated and vigorous, I don't have the time to dwell on anything but keeping up with the other girls. Even though I've been on a squad since elementary school, and I'm probably one of, if not the most, experienced member here, there's still days where I fall behind and struggle to keep up.

Eventually, practise ends a few hours later and I'm ashamed at how exhausted I am. As we crowd around the blackboard, I collapse on the floor and gulp down half of my water in one mouthful. Sana watches with raised eyebrows.

"As you know, the prefectural qualifiers are coming up in a few months," Kishi begins, motioning to the blackboard. "Which means we'll be accompanying the volleyball team to all of their games. The boys will be going to a training camp in three weeks time, so ours will coincide. This year, they're taking place with Ohgiminami High. Is everyone okay with that?"

"Yes!"

Kishi smiles. "It's going to be a really good year this year. The volleyball team is almost guaranteed to get a place at nationals, so let's do our best to cheer them on and show the other schools just how much pride Shiratorizawa Academy has for our best athletes."

We cheer and clap for her. Eichi wolf whistles which makes me giggle and elbow her in the ribs. Thankfully, Kishi and Coach Ida just roll their eyes. Everyone is used to her behaviour by now.

The meeting ends soon after, all of us flocking to the club room to get changed. We're chattering excitedly amongst ourselves at the prospect of the upcoming training camp. They're the best events of the year, even better than the real matches.

The cheer squad always has a training camp at the same time as the volleyball team. While they train with other teams, we practise and compete with other school's cheerleading squads too. However, it's much less intense than what the boys go through; basically, we're there to have fun and learn a few new routines and moves. And then at the end of each day, we meet up with the boys afterwards and sometimes help them practise, or discuss how our days went.

When I remember last years training camp, it makes my stomach churn. I wonder what will happen at this years training camp. Usually something dramatic occurs, either between the girls or boys and the girls; arguments, fights, hooking up. The teachers have no idea what happens on a night while they're absent

It's better that way. If they knew what occurred behind their backs, we'd be banned from ever attending another camp. 

Nobody knows about what happened to me last year. And they never will. I didn't even tell Sana.

"I'm totally gonna try and hook up with a Fukorodani boy," Eichi announces.

"Gross," Misaki snorts. "The Seijoh boys are where it's at. Have you seen their setter? It's unfair how pretty he is."

"They're our rivals, Misaki!"

"So?" She shrugs with a smirk. "That makes it more exciting."

Looking away, I begin pulling my uniform back on. I don't feel like joining in this conversation. I wouldn't have much to contribute anyway. Unlike the other girls, I'm not confident in my ability to entice boys.

"Our boys are way better than any others," Ruki declares loyally.

There is a cacophony of noise at this statement; retches, exclamations of 'no!', shouts of agreements and squabbling over other teams. I keep my eyes fixated on the EXO poster on the wall, it being the only thing that can ground me in this sudden chaos.

"Ooh are you going to try and seduce Ushijima?" Naoko wiggles her eyebrows, causing Ruki to attempt to swat her with a towel. She ducks out of the way in time, the towel smacking against the locker door and making an almighty sound.

Ruki rolls her eyes. "Please. You'd have to be insane to try and seduce him. I bet he's going to die a virgin."

The girls all fall about giggling at this. Keeping my eyes downward, I resume getting dressed without another word. For some reason, my stomach squeezes painfully at their teasing. I don't know him well, but I do know he doesn't deserve to be the butt of a joke. Nobody does. Especially when it's none of their business what he gets up to.

"Are you going to try and hook up with Semi?" Eichi asks me, cocking her head.

"What?" I choke. "No! I don't like him!"

"Really?" Sayoko frowns. "What's wrong with you? He's hot."

"I just don't, okay!"

"Do you have your eye on someone else?"

"I'm not interested in anyone."

I haven't told anyone about my crush on Ushijima. Not even Sana. Even though I love her dearly, I wouldn't want her to know because in times like this, she would have opened her mouth and blabbed. She doesn't do it maliciously, she just doesn't possess a filter.

"Don't tease her," Kishi steps into the club room. I'm mortified as to how much she's heard. "All of you quit gossiping and leave so I can lock up. I have homework to do." 

She doesn't need to tell us twice. We all hurry up to get changed, nobody dare breathes another word.

***

On Saturday, I shower and change straight after practise and arrive at the volleyball gymnasium with ten minutes to spare before the match. Because it's the weekend, there's no hair or uniform restrictions so I come in a t-shirt and jeans, my hair falling loosely down my back. My scalp is grateful for the respite. One of the biggest adjustments moving to Japan was definitely conforming to the strict uniform policy. 

I knock before entering, changing shoes in the doorway. Nobody notices my entrance over the sound of both teams warming up, not even Coach Washijou who is busy talking to the opposing team's coach. Just from looking at the opponents, I can tell they're college students. Shiratorizawa usually has to practise with college teams since they're better than the majority of schools in the prefecture- and the colleges, to be honest. I can't think of any team in the area that could beat them.

Across the court, I catch Semi's eye and wave. He's too busy waving back that he doesn't notice the ball soaring across the net, hitting him on the head in the process. I cringe on his behalf, especially when Ito yells at him to concentrate. He looks away quickly, ducking his head as if he doesn't see me.

Tendou, however, is nowhere near as subtle.

"Y/N-san!" He yells, wiggling his fingers exaggeratedly. Even a few of the college players turn to look out of curiosity. I see little other choice but to go over and speak to him considering he's stopped the whole warm up on my behalf.

"Didn't I tell you to bring your pompoms?" Teases Reon.

"It must've slipped your mind," I roll my eyes. "How are you guys feeling?"

"Fine. It's just a practise match, plus we've beaten these guys before," Soekawa shrugs. "Child's play."

I can't argue with that confidence.

"Good luck anyway," I say.

They chorus their thanks, all except Ushijima. Even though he's looking at me, he doesn't say anything. I'm not offended, he doesn't say much to anyone.

"Good luck, Ushijima-san," I say, trying to elicit some response from him.

"Thank you, L/N," he bows slightly. "But you do not need luck when you have talent."

Glancing over at Semi, he simply shrugs, as at a loss for words as I am. Instead of replying, I make my way over to the stands. I'm pretty sure I can hear the boys giving Ushijima a hard time for being blunt with me. I'm glad my back is turned to them so I can smile to myself.

***

Despite only being a practise match, the game is still gripping. There's only a few people in the stands, most of them are college boys who have clearly come along for a lack of anything else to do. To my annoyance, they sit near me and try to spark conversation. No matter how monosyllabic my answers are, they don't let up. Only when the game gets really tense do they finally leave me alone and focus on what is happening on the court.

The match lasts six sets, taking up the majority of the afternoon. Shiratorizawa wins 4-2, which is only to be expected. Of course Ushijima carries the whole game, the opposite team unable to get around his savage left-handed spikes.

Watching him gives me the shivers. He's ten times more fierce on the court, completely ruthless and domineering. His face is constantly twisted in a scowl, which is probably due to concentration but it's still intimidating. Even the older guys are apprehensive of him.

Once the match his over and they have said goodbye to the other team, I head down to help them clear up. I know the other girls would make fun of me if they saw me running around after them, which is precisely why I didn't tell them where I was going. I don't want to add more fuel to the Semi and Ushijima claims.

"You know, Y/N," Semi says. "I didn't recognise when you first walked in."

Straightening up, I turn to him with a frown. "Really? You've seen me without my uniform on before."

His eyebrows knit together slightly in the middle. "I know... you look different. That's all."

Without warning, Tendou swoops in and puts his arm around Semi's shoulder. "He's telling you you're pretty."

It's hard to tell who is more mortified. Semi elbows him harshly in the ribs, causing him to bend double in pain. He gives me a wide-eyed, apologetic look. I wave it off. Had it come from anyone else but Tendou it would be weird, it's normal for him to come out with things like this.

"It's true!" The redhead huffs once he's regained his breath. "You've changed over spring break, Y/N-san."

"I have?" I ask uncertainly. "Good or bad?"

"Good," Semi nods.

I guess I can't argue with that.

Coach Saito leaves after he's overseen the cool down exercises, tossing Ito the keys and telling him to lock up whenever he's ready. Of course, the team don't want to just stop there. Even though they'd been practising since early morning and played six vigorous sets, they still believe there's room to improve so begin splintering off to do their own practise.

Yunohama is one of the first years who made the team, still finding his footing. He has faith in his abilities but alongside powerful figures such as Ushijima and Tendou, he pales in comparison. He asks Kawanishi and I if we'd help him, to which I agree brightly.

I toss the sets, Yunohama spikes them and Kawanishi stands on the opposite side of the net trying to block; almost mirroring the other night when I practised with Tendou and Ushijima. This time, however, I'm far less nervous and my throws are actually decent. Yunohama comments on this, sounding surprised too.

I don't see some of the other players watching us, too focused on trying to keep up with the boys. Even though they're younger than me, they're obviously very good otherwise they wouldn't have made the team. Washijo is meticulous about who he allows to join the prestigious team. Try-outs last a whole weekend since there's so many people who want a space, hundreds of application forms get sent in and hundreds get rejected. At the end of the day, only fourteen lucky people get a spot on the team.

It was a given Ushijima was going to get a place. Even as a middle-schooler he was famous amongst fellow volleyball players, quickly making a name for himself; through newspaper articles and interviews on the local news. Since joining Shiratorizawa, he has only become more well-known. There's rumours he's going to be selected for the Japanese Under-19s team, they'd be insane not to ask him. The boys on the team say it's only a matter of time before he gets the offer.

Two hours later, Ito calls it a day. The others complain, claiming they can last longer but the captain is firm. It's important that they get enough rest and eat a proper dinner, otherwise their muscles will weaken and they will no longer be in top condition. With preliminaries and training camp around the corner, they can't afford to deteriorate.

Whilst I'm mopping the floor, in my peripheral vision I see a figure advancing towards me. Gripping onto the wooden handle for dear life, I slowly turn to face Ushijima who is now towering above me.

"Your sets were good today," he remarks, voice even deeper after not using it for so long.

"Oh!" I perk up. "Thanks!"

"Better than yesterday's."

"Yeah, it's easier 'cause Yunohama is smaller," I rub the back of my neck. I'd never admit that it's mostly because he's a lot less intimidating. 

He makes a small noise of consideration. "You seem to know what you are doing when setting. That's surprising."

"I'd hope so. I used to play on a volleyball team."

For the first time in the year I have known him (and observed him a little too closely) I see a flicker of emotion on his rugged countenance. Surprise. It lasts for an ephemeral moment, if I blinked at the wrong time I would've missed it; but I see it.

"But you do not play on the girls team?" He presses, sounding puzzled.

"This was way back in middle school," I inform him. Surprisingly, he's the first boy on the team I've told. The only person outside of my friendship group who knows. I don't make a habit of revealing that information, I'm not sure what possesses me to tell him. Do I want to impress him? Surprise him? Want to make him curious about me?

I doubt any of these things will happen, yet it certainly got his attention for a second.

"In America, yes?"

Now it's my turn to look surprised. How does he know I'm a foreigner? He didn't even know my name until the other day.

"Yeah."

"Why did you stop playing?"

I'm surprised at the vigour which these words come out. It almost sounds like he's angry. For whatever reason, I cannot fathom.

"I couldn't do both because I didn't have enough time. So I chose cheerleading."

His heavy eyebrows knit together in a scowl. Subtly, I take a step back. Now I'm certain he's angry.

"You chose cheerleading over volleyball?" Ushijima sounds affronted. It makes my insides roil with shame. I hate when people use mean tones of voice with me. Especially people I look up to.

"I was better at cheerleading," I explain, voice coming out wobbly. Because it's Ushijima, I doubt he'll notice. "I didn't even have to think. Plus I doubted I'd be able to get on the Shiratorizawa girls team if I continued, so I thought I'd get further with cheer."

Ushijima looks at me blankly. It's impossible to scrutinise his expression, decipher what is going on behind his olive eyes.

"I see," he nods. "It was a shame to waste that potential."

This is nothing I haven't thought of myself. It's something that has plagued me ever since I handed my old uniform in, striking my name off of the club rota forever. While I had more accolades for cheer, I really did love volleyball. I weighed up the pros and cons to my decision, yet that didn't make the aftermath any easier. People told me I could progress with cheer quicker than I would with volleyball, considering it's what I was better at; though I often find myself wondering what would happen if I had made the opposite decision.

I know it was for the best, but Ushijima is right. It was a waste. All those years I spent playing volleyball and all I have to show for it is being able to set a few shots for people better than I could've ever hoped to be.

I never considered whether I felt envious of the boy's team, now I realise I do. Is this why I unwittingly spend so much time hanging around them? So I can live my fallen dream vicariously through them?

Whether it was his intention or not, Ushijima certainly gave me a lot to think about.


	4. Chapter 4

I wake up early the next morning, sick of tossing and turning in bed. I barely slept, my mind too preoccupied, so I decide I may as well do something productive. Quickly changing into my sports kit, I quietly sneak out of my dorm and head outside to go for a run. Over the years, I've found this is the best way to get rid of my pent up energy and clear my head of intrusive thoughts.

It's still dark when I step outside, shivering inside my zipped up sports jacket. When I breathe out, my breath curls out of my mouth like a dragon breathing fire. Goose bumps immediately rises on my bare legs, knees knocking together with cold. Even though its spring, early mornings are brutal. A prerequisite for living so high up in the mountains, I suppose.

It takes a few minutes to psych myself up and stretch adequately. Once I can feel hot blood surging through my body, I set off.

I only reach the school gates before I'm bumping into someone. They're big and solid, judging by the way I bounce off of them. A sharp exhale of air leaves my body upon impact, chest aching with the force of it. Craning my neck up, my stomach drops down to the concrete when I register Ushijima staring down at me, his mouth a thin line.

"I promise I'm not stalking you," I blurt without thinking. "I was going for a run."

"As was I," he replies. "I must go, I need to complete my third circuit."

Before I can bid him farewell, he races off, quite literally leaving me behind in the dust. Watching his broad shoulders as he runs, I'm struck by the realisation that he's going in the direction I was heading in. Now I'm going to look even creepier. Albeit, though he didn't seem at all perturbed by me bumping into him, even Ushijima will probably think it's weird if he turns around to see me following him.

 _Stop it_ , I tell myself. _It's only a run. He doesn't own this route. Who cares what he thinks? Just because I have a crush on him doesn't mean I should have to hold myself back._

Without thinking, my feet carry me forward on their own accord as I set off down the street. I'm conscious to remain several paces behind. If I was chasing his heels, he'd probably get a restraining order.

Unwittingly, I find myself forcing myself to keep up with him. He's at a huge advantage with his stamina, his long legs swallowing up the ground much quicker than my own, but I'm fairly speedy myself. Within five minutes I've managed to catch up with him, all while maintaining a respectful distance.

Eventually, he must sense my presence, because he looks over his shoulder and we make direct eye contact. All I can do is smile apologetically. At least he doesn't look disturbed. Then again, I think I could spontaneously combust in front of him and his expression wouldn't change.

"Sorry," I apologise. "This is my usual route too."

"I see."

"Yeah. Again, I'm not following you."

"You are welcome to join me. If you can keep up."

My eyes narrow. Although his tone doesn't sound challenging (it's the complete opposite, infuriatingly matter-of-fact) it sparks my competitive streak. The one that fires up during competitions and training camps, when I'm overcome with the desire to prove myself.

Ushijima no doubt thinks I can't keep up with him. Assuming that he is stronger than me, because he's a sporting prodigy and a boy. Because I dropped precious volleyball that he thinks is _so_ superior.

I hate falling into the trap like this, but I ever so slightly pick up my pace so I can match his. He doesn't even acknowledge me running beside him, keeping his gaze straight ahead. Maybe I was expecting too much of him. Just because we've talked a handful of times over the past few weeks doesn't make us friends, or even acquaintances. Especially when he basically chewed me out yesterday.

And yet I still want to impress him. To get the opportunity to know him. It's weird.

We run through town, which is eerily quiet and deserted. We're so early that none of the shops have even opened, the only thing illuminating our route is the numerous street lamps. I've never seen the place look so derelict, it's always been bustling with life every time I've passed through. I'm glad I'm running with Ushijima otherwise I'd be really freaked out.

We're passing the mini market on the corner when he breaks the silence, other than my slightly laboured breathing. The cold air and exertion is starting to slowly get to me. Annoyingly, his voice remains perfectly even; not out of breath in the slightest. _And_ this is his third circuit.

"What I said yesterday," he starts. "Tendou told me I was rude. And that I should apologise."

I'm so startled that I trip over my own feet. Without hesitation, he reaches out to catch my arm to prevent me falling on my face. Frozen in a combination of horror and amazement, all I can do is stare at him dumbly. My brain is no longer connected to my mouth.

He stares back, not exactly expectant, but I can tell he's waiting for me to react.

"You haven't actually said sorry," is all my traitorous brain tells me to say.

"I apologise," he says. "Apparently I should not have pried."

"Did Tendou tell you that?"

"Yes."

"It's okay. You were only asking me a question." Should I actually forgive him for this? His comment _did_ make me feel upset for the rest of the day. But on the other hand, how could I stay mad at him? He's so adorably clueless. I truly don't believe he had any malicious intent. I don't think he has a mean bone in his big, stupid body.

"Then it's cleared up. Shall we continue?"

"Of course."

Our brief interaction is enough to energise me for the remainder of the jog through town. My skin is on fire as I try to keep my giddiness to a minimum. Did Ushijima really apologise to me? Granted, Tendou coerced him into it; but, still! We actually had a conversation! This must be our third in a week.

My enthusiasm quickly burns out when we approach the foot of the hill. I have to take a second, catching my breath and steeling myself. This is what I have been dreading. The worst part of the route. The only obstacle in my way that will make Ushijima think I'm not good enough to keep up with him.

In the end, my competitiveness gets the better of me and I'm sprinting after Ushijima who is already fifty paces ahead.

"Are you not even remotely out of breath?" I demand, wheezing as soon as I open my mouth.

"Slightly," he admits, though he doesn't sound it. Nor does his speed relent. I'm fully aware I'm going to give myself a heart attack matching his pace, but I'd rather die stubborn and successful than catch my breath and lose.

Eventually, after fifteen agonising minutes, the road begins evening out beneath us and the ridge of the hill is in sight. I almost cry from happiness, letting out a ragged gasp. Suddenly, the air seems so much cleaner and easier to gulp down from this great height.

When we reach the lookout point, I collapse against the railings in an utterly undignified manner. Throwing my arms over the metal rails, I groan and squeeze my eyes shut, trying to ignore the painful thumping of blood in my head. It feels like my brain is trying to explode out of my skull. My throat is so dry I can't swallow.

I'm never doing this again.

"You managed to keep up," states Ushijima, standing next to me.

"You sound surprised," I grumble.

"I am," he says honestly. "I thought at one point you had collapsed."

"Amazingly not." Standing upright, I wince in pain as I hold the stitch on my side. "Are you even feeling _any_ affects of running uphill?"

"I am tired," he says. "This is my third lap."

"You're a machine," I deadpan. "Let me guess, you're going to do another one?"

"No. I have to get back to school for practise. It's already getting light."

For the first time since I bumped into him, I take in the environment around me. Ushijima is right. Over the horizon, brushing the tip of the mountain, the sun is slowly starting to rise. The sky is lilac streaked with magenta and apricot, like someone has daubed paint carefully on its canvas. There is a fine mist hanging over the valley, wispy and shroud-like. Crows caw in the distance, filling in the silence that is otherwise solely occupied by the thundering of my heart.

Looking over at Ushijima, I see the slightest breeze ruffling his hair which is fluffy today. Like he came out before styling it.

The soft, golden light of dawn illuminates his side profile, catching the beautiful yet sharp contours of his face. No longer does he look severe, he looks beautiful. I notice for the first time that there are flecks of amber in his olive eyes.

For once, the corners of his lips are not set hard and stern. While he's not exactly smiling, he looks much more relaxed than normal. It makes my heart flutter like a trapped butterfly.

I feel like I'm getting a glimpse of a side to him that most people don't get to see. I consider it a privilege. I think I'll always remember this moment.

"I like watching the sun rise here," he says. It half feels like he's talking to himself, but addressing me at the same time.

"Do you come here often?"

"Most mornings. If it's not too icy."

"Mm," I hum. "I can see why that would be a problem. Do you not use the gym?"

"Sometimes. I find coming up here is more tasking, therefore better."

Right. Because _everyone_ wants to go through this torture three times before dawn.

"You're very dedicated," I remark, feeling my lungs gradually fill up with air. I can talk without excruciating pain now. "More than anyone else on the team."

"Because I'm the best player," he says. There is no hint of modesty or even smugness, he just says it matter-of-factly. While everyone can see he's the best player on the team, most people would probably be a bit more humble about it; try to play it down and insist his fellow members are just as good. Not Ushijima. Nothing seems to phase him. He's been told his whole life he's a star so why would he believe differently?

"I guess."

"There's no guessing, I am," he frowns slightly. Like I shouldn't be disputing it.

"No, I know," I chuckle. "It's just a saying."

"Ah."

The breeze picks up, whistling through the trees and chilling me to the bone. My teeth chatter in my mouth as I wrap my arms tightly around my torso.

"If you are cold, we should go back," Ushijima says.

"It's okay, you don't have to rush back on my account."

He checks his watch. "I would be leaving in a few minutes anyway."

I push myself off the railings which I've been leaning my hip against. "I don't think I have the energy to race you back down."

"You should work on your stamina."

The breath is sucked from my body when I see that he has the tiniest, faintest smile on his lips.


	5. Chapter 5

There's a basketball game after school on Monday, which means we spend the majority of the weekend practising for it. In between rigorous training and homework, I don't have much time to reminisce on my morning with Ushijima. Only briefly before I sleep, too exhausted to keep my eyes open, and I fall asleep with a smile.

Part of me thinks it wasn't real. There's no way I was that privileged to see that side of Ushijima, nor would someone like him want to dedicate that time to me.

Yet, I know it was real. Because the vision of his side profile won't leave my mind, burned into the cortex of my brain even though I know I should be focusing on more important things.

During cool down on Sunday's practise, I idly wonder if Ushijima has thought back on the moment we shared. Probably not. He's so dedicated to volleyball and letting it control his life, I doubt he has time to even consider anything else. Especially someone as irrelevant as me. There's no way he would ever talk to me if we didn't keep crossing paths. The universe keeps making us coincide, but other than those occasions, we would never have spoken. I doubt we ever will again unless it's by accident. He doesn't seek me out and I try to avoid him out of embarrassment.

Everything that happened over the weekend completely leaves my mind, even school work. Yui gets exasperated with me when I ask to look at her answers. She's at the top of every class and the best scholar in our grade, so if you should copy off of anyone it's definitely her. While she acts unwilling to help, she always gives in in the end; after lecturing me endlessly about keeping my grades up to maintain my scholarship, taking school seriously and doing my work to the best of my abilities. When I tell her I love her, she flushes with embarrassment but I think I'm forgiven.

As soon as class is over, I have to hurry to the club room to collect my belongings and head to the bus. There's a couple of other girls in the club room who are also rushing like me. They're only first years, this is their first official match and they look terrified.

I hear them whispering to one another while my head is in my locker, rooting around for my other shoe. I'm torn between continuing my search and talking to them. They probably don't want to be bothered, being addressed so abruptly might scare them even more. If I want to take Kishi's place next year, shouldn't I start behaving like a captain? A captain's most important role is to boost the morale their team mates.

"Hey," I turn around to look at them. As expected, they look like deers caught in headlines. Suddenly, I feel just as awkward. I wish I'd prepared something to say before speaking mindlessly.

"Um... you're probably really nervous, which is understandable, but I just want to tell you it'll be fine. I've seen you training and you're both really good! I know my words won't probably do much until you feel it yourself, but once you get out on the court, you'll realise it's fine. It might feel like you can't remember the routine and stuff, but you do. I promise that's just nerves talking. You have nothing to fear."

For a few seconds, they stare at me in utter shell shock. Then one of them bursts into tears. My eyes widen in horror, stomach dropping to the floor. Did I say the wrong thing? I thought I was being inspiring! Oh God, how am I going to explain this to Kishi?

"Thank you, senpai!" The girl wails, clinging onto her friend. "Your encouragement means a lot!"

"I-it's okay!" I stutter. "Let's just get to the bus, shall we? We don't want to be late."

As if my words have worked magic, both of the first years perk up and trot after me like loyal puppies. I shepherd them onto the bus and direct them to the other first years, smiling awkwardly when they bow and thank me profusely.

Scanning the bus, I see Sana has saved me a place on the back of the bus alongside Ruki and Eichi. They wave madly at me, trying to get my attention. I hurry to the back and take my seat before Kishi can yell at me for holding everyone up.

"Were you scaring the pipsqueaks?" Ruki asks.

"No!" I protest, accepting the stick of gum Sana offers me. "They were upset in the clubroom so I was giving them a motivational speech."

"Yuck," Eichi wrinkles her nose. "They looked like they were in _wuv_ with you."

"Oh shut up," I lean over the other two girls to shove her shoulder. "Just because you're not captain material."

"Like I'd want to be! That's so nerdy."

"Bitter, much?"

"Are future captains supposed to be so rude to their teammates?"

Sana manages to make a barrier just in time to stop me lunging at her. Eichi snickers while I scowl, but when we make eye contact we burst out laughing. We can never pretend to be angry at each other for long. That's just our dynamic. We squabble like kids, but she's one of my closest friends.

The neighbouring school is only about twenty minutes away, at the bottom of the mountain. Karasuno. We've been there a couple of times for various basketball and soccer matches, but now that I think about it, never for volleyball. I didn't even realise they had a team until Kishi said. Apparently they were considered a powerhouse once, even managing to make it to nationals, but over the past few years their team has declined and now they're nobodies. Fallen heroes. Sometimes their coach asks for practise matches against Shiratorizawa but Washijou always turns them down.

Despite their volleyball team's demise, their basketball club is one of the best in the prefecture. The pride of their school. Or so their huge banner hung above the court claims.

We get changed in the guest locker room, nervous energy bouncing off of the tile walls and making us buzz with excitement. I've long overcome my fear of performing in front of crowds, though admittedly, it took me a long time. It was terrifying the first few matches coming to Japan, but I'm used to it now.

Before we go out, the first years give me a huge thumbs up with wide, cheesy smiles plastered on their faces. They look like they're trying way too hard to be calm, but at leas they're not crying.

I reciprocate the thumbs up, telling them they'll be fine.

***

The bus ride back to school is much quieter. It's late at night, pitch black and silent. Sana dozes against my shoulder, snoring gently. I feel myself slipping off to sleep as well, jerking awake suddenly once I realise what I'm doing.

Shiratorizawa won the match so I imagine the boy's bus is a lot rowdier than ours. If it wasn't a week night, there'd probably be a small celebration on campus. Most of the time the the teachers turn a blind eye to it, realising that since we all live on campus then obviously parties will occur; especially amongst the third years. But they're always on stand-by in case things get too out of hand.

I don't realise I've fallen asleep until Ruki gently shakes me awake to tell me we're back at school. Sana and I rear up, bleary-eyed and confused. She mumbles sleepily to herself while I yawn and stretch, my spine popping satisfactorily.

We get off the bus in silence, trudging in single file and crowding outside to await Coach's instruction. I lean against Sana for support, blinking tiredly.

Kishi is only starting her speech when a cluster of loud voices cuts her off. With a scowl, she turns around to see the cause of the disturbance.

"There they are!" A familiar voice shouts. Immediately, Kishi's face soften when she recognises who it is.

Ito and the rest of the volleyball team step out from the other side of the bus. We collectively groan, making them laugh.

"What are you doing here?" Kishi demands, putting her hands on her hips.

"We missed you at practise tonight," Ito steps closer to her, smiling.

All of us hold our breath at their interaction. She'd murder us if we ever vocalised it, but it's obvious Kishi and Ito like each other. They always have. They shamelessly flirt with each other, passing it off as friendly rivalry. It's so apparent when they smile at each other like this that it's the complete opposite. If only Washijou hadn't banned the teams from dating. Kishi and Ito would make the perfect couple. It's almost fate that the two captains should be together, as cliche as it sounds.

"We went to Karasuno with the basketball team," she tells him breezily.

He clutches his heart, looking stricken. "Traitors! After everything we've been through."

Our captain rolls her eyes. "Go away so I can talk to the girls."

"Aw, c'mon Kishi-chan." She flushes at the moniker. "Let me walk you back to your dorm?"

For a moment, I think she's going to fold. Excitement rises in me at the realisation I'll be able to get to quicker. No such luck.

"Actually, girls," Kishi turns to us. "You guys can leave. Y/N, I need to talk to you so stay behind."

I feel everyone's eyes on me, even the volleyball team's. Quickly, I drop my gaze to the floor so none of them can make eye contact with me. I try to maintain a calm pretence, the illusion is ruined by the roaring of blood in my ears. Am I in trouble? Did I mess up the routine? I don't _think_ I did, but in the moment, it's hard to remember everything that happened.

"Shall we wait for you, Y/N-san?" Tendou asks cheerily.

"Um, no," I mumble, not even looking up. From the intense feeling on the back of my neck, I just know Ushijima is stood next to him. "Thanks, though."

Soon, everyone disperses from the parking lot. Hazarding a look up, I see Tendou, Ushijima, Sayoko and Etsu walking together. I don't know why my heart clenches like it does. Tendou is deep in conversation with Sayoko, Ushijima remains respectfully on the outskirts of the small group.

I don't expect him to turn around. I'm not sure whether he's looking at me, but I rapidly avert my eyes just in case he spots me staring at him.

"You don't have to look so worried," Kishi smiles. "You're not in trouble."

"Oh." I let out a huge exhale of relief.

"I know I said I'd give you time to think about it, but have you decided what you want to do about being captain next year? Sorry to pry, I just heard Eichi mouthing off on the bus. It sounded like you'd already come to a conclusion."

Hasn't my whole cheerleading career led up to this? To finally put my knowledge and experience to good use, to motivate and inspire people like Kishi does? I've looked up to our captain since the moment I laid eyes on her. Isn't it my dream for people to feel the same way about me?

Taking a deep breath, I look up at her with a smile. "Yeah. I have. I'd love to be captain."

She squeals excitedly, throwing her arms around my neck and crushing me into an enthusiastic hug. I let out a puff of air upon intact, awkwardly patting her back since my arms are pinned to my sides and I can't really move them.

"You have no idea how happy this has made me!" She exclaims. "I couldn't think of anyone else but you. I feel so much better!"

"Did you ever really think I was going to turn it down?"

"I hoped not," she grins. "This is perfect. We can start training straight away. I'll tell Coach tomorrow morning and she'll probably talk to you after practise. Is that okay? Not going too fast?" 

"No, not at all," I say, even though I already feel dazed. "Better to start now instead of leaving it too late."

"Exactly! Wow. Look at you already thinking like a captain." She nudges me playfully. "Get to your dorm and get some rest. You look dead on your feet."

I certainly _feel_ dead on my feet. I float back to my dorm with no recollection of getting there, wondering just how much my life is going to change because of this decision.

***

I'm leaving the club room the next morning after practise when I'm cornered by Tendou. I don't expect him to be there, obviously, I don't expect anyone to be there; my choke of surprise only sends him into a fit of laughter, leaning against the wall for support.

Scowling at him, I say, "What is it with you guys and jumping out at me?"

"Sorry, Y/N-san," he snickers without looking the slightest bit apologetic. "I wanted to talk to you before class."

"Um, okay..." I hitch my bag higher onto my shoulder. I don't _think_ this is anything to be apprehensive about, my nerves still ignite when anyone says they want to talk to me. I play a reel of everything I've done since the school year began, wondering what he could possibly want to discuss.

"It's a little embarrassing but..." He takes a dramatic breath. "You have to help Ushiwaka and me."

I blink uncertainly, unsure whether I've heard correctly. "Sorry?"

"We're not allowed to go to the training camp unless we get our grades up," he flings his hand over his forehead theatrically. "And we're both failing English class. Ushiwaka is worse than me but we still both need your help. If we don't get above an eighty in the final exam we can't go!"

That _certainly_ isn't what I was expecting.

"Why me?"

"Because!" Tendou grabs me by the shoulders. "You probably know English better than anyone in the whole school! You're the top of your English class, right?"

"Well yeah," I stammer. "I've never had to teach anyone else it before! I wouldn't even know how!"

"It'll be easy! Ushiwaka is a bit of a meathead but I'm sure you'll be able to get it through to him. We have three more weeks."

Even though I don't need the extra revision, it's a given that I'll pass the English exam with flying colours, helping them wouldn't hurt, right? Granted, it's probably going to be difficult juggling my time between practise, my own revision and tutoring, but I'm sure I'll manage. Maybe even they can help me with things I struggle with in return. I know Tendou is really good at science, something that isn't my strong point.

"Okay," I nod. "I'll help you. It'll have to be on a lunchtime though, we probably won't have time after practise."

Tendou jumps and punches the air triumphantly. "I know you wouldn't let me down! You're the best!"

I smile wanly. "When do you want to start?"

"Hm..." He frames his chin with his fingers, squinting thoughtfully. "This lunchtime?"

"That's fine with me. We'll go to the library near the drama building, it's a lot quieter there. Barely anybody goes in."

"Perfect!"

"Wait!" I call after him as he spins on his heel. "Ushijima is okay with this, right?"

He widens his eyes. "Of course! He's more than okay with it."

I don't have time to decipher his knowing smile.


	6. Chapter 6

By the time I arrive at the small library tucked away at the back of the campus, Ushijima and Tendou are already waiting for me. Tendou is talking fast and gesticulating wildly with his hands while Ushijima stands with his hands in his pocket, nodding occasionally at something his friend says. Tendou stops mid-flow when he notices me approaching, waving and calling me over.

"Sorry I'm a bit late," I apologise. "Shall we go in?"

Both boys wait for me to take the lead, clearly thinking it's for the best since this is my domain and not theirs. I open the double doors for them and they trail behind like puppies. Tendou whispers something to Ushijima who only grunts in response.

I bow and greet the librarian who I've gotten to know quite well during my time here. I usually come to study in this library, as opposed to the larger, more modern one at the centre of campus. It's far too busy with too many distractions. At least here, you can focus on your work in silence. And the librarian often leaves for prolonged periods of time so you can check your phone without getting it confiscated.

The only reason I found this place was because I mistook it for the cheer clubroom on my first day. Ever since then, I've hidden out here regularly.

I take the boys to the circular table in the back corner where I usually sit. Normally I'm the only one who sits here, so I don't have to worry about people claiming it before me. I sit down first, Tendou on my left side and Ushijima on my right. Their legs are so long and crammed under the table that they brush against my own, making it very hard for me to concentrate.

"So," I say, arranging my skirt. "Where do you want to start?"

"Get your test out," Tendou instructs. "Then Y/N-san can see where you're going wrong."

Silently, Ushijima hands me a piece of paper that is covered in red crosses. I wince when I see the 35 mark in the corner, the lowest score I've ever seen with my own eyes. Scanning the page, my eyes hone in on the mistakes which have been circled by his teacher. I also notice that his handwriting is very messy. Learning kanji is difficult enough, but Ushijima's scrawl makes it even more indecipherable.

I nod. "We can fix this."

"See, Wakatoshi-kun! You're not a lost cause after all."

Ushijima huffs slightly. "I knew I wasn't anyway."

"What about your work, Tendou-san?"

"Oh, I don't want to show you," he says quickly. "It's embarrassing. But I can tell you what I struggle with."

"Great. That makes it easier." I look over Ushijima's sheet again. "You got the first four questions right which is really good. Let's look at number five. You got your characters mixed up, that's totally understandable! 'Definitely' is a really hard word to spell in English."

He passes me his pen as I rewrite the word out for him. I spell each letter out as I go along. While I feel like I'm condescending him, his eyebrows knit in concentration and he silently mouths it alongside me. When he's finished, he looks up at me with that intense gaze of his. I blink owlishly.

"May I write it again?"

I hand him the pen back, watching over his shoulder as he laboriously writes the difficult word out, giving it all his concentration.

"Ah, hang on." I gently take the pen while he's still holding it. With my hand on top of his, I guide him to extend the stalk on his 'y'. "There! It might seem a bit extreme but it's better to make the stalk longer just in case your teacher confuses it for a 'v'."

Ushijima doesn't say anything, but I'm painfully aware of his eyes burning into my side profile. Turning my head, I'm a little bit startled when I realise just how close our faces are. His stare doesn't relent, continuing looking at me almost as if he's confused. It makes my heart thunder so loudly I'm surprised he doesn't hear it. 

"Do you think you can repeat the sentence?"

"She will definitely attend the meeting," he says slowly, painstakingly. Hearing his English makes my stomach flutter, his voice somehow becomes deeper. So much so it's just a rumble in his chest.

I swallow the dryness in my throat. "Perfect. Well done."

Shifting in my seat, I turn to Tendou who is sprawled ungainly on his chair, chewing an apple. He looks startled when I address him, choking on his mouthful. Ushijima leans over me to smack him on the back. I grimace when I hear his bones rattle upon impact.

"What about you, Tendou-san?"

"I just need help with some sentence structure," he says, flipping open his notebook.

"No problem!"

"Can I look too?"

"Of course!" I lean backwards slightly so Ushijima can peek forward to see what I'm writing. When his breath catches against my neck my whole body shivers. Fortunately neither boys notice because they're focused so intently on the page in front of them.

I get so consumed by my newfound role of tutor that I don't notice our lunch period slipping away. Only when my watch beeps do I realise how much time has passed. I only have five minutes to get to gym class on the opposite side of the campus. I'll have to sprint.

"I have to go, guys," I say quickly, grabbing my bag. "I didn't realise what time it was. I'm really sorry!"

"It's okay, Y/N-san, go and be free," Tendou says.

"Thank you for your help," Ushijima adds.

"No problem," I reply, feeling slightly lightheaded. "I'll see you around."

I half stumble, half sprint out of the library without another look back.

***

Between my own school work and cheer practise, I manage to meet up with Ushijima and Tendou nearly every lunchtime for tutoring. They have to take a rain check one afternoon because Coach Washijo called for a volleyball meeting, but I still went and did my own revision. Surprisingly, helping them has improved my own memory retention and given me new revision strategies. So, really, I should be thanking them too.

There's only two weeks left until the training camp and exams, so everything feels very rushed and hectic. While I'm teaching Ushijima and Tenodu, I'm fully aware their attention is elsewhere. All Ushijima thinks about is volleyball so there's no surprise there, but Tendou seems strangely vacant too. He freely admits that his life doesn't revolve around volleyball like Ushijima, that he intends to quit after high school, and he's such a quirky personality that it's virtually impossible to guess what's going through his head.

Over the weekend we manage to get a few hours of studying in. I go the library at eight am after practise and they meet me there at lunchtime, studying until our respective nightly practises. In just a week I can see a huge improvement already, especially in Ushijima. Tendou teases him mercilessly about being dumb, but I stick up for him and say it just takes him a few tries to understand concepts which is perfectly acceptable.

On Monday, exactly a week after we began our tutoring sessions, I head to the library at lunchtime and my heart lurches when I see it's just Ushijima stood there. He's leaning against the wall, looking utterly disinterested in his surroundings. I wonder if Tendou is late?

"Hello, Ushijima-san," I greet him.

"Hello, L/N," he reciprocates. "Tendou could not make it today, he sends his apologies."

"Oh." I blink. Why are my knees trembling already. I wish I'd had time to mentally prepare for being alone with Ushijima. "No problem! You don't mind, right?"

"No."

As I'm moving for the entrance, Ushijima suddenly cuts in front of me. I'm confused for a nanosecond before I realise he's holding the doors open for me, looking down expectantly.

"Thank you so much!" I exclaim, unable to hide the surprise from my voice. How thoughtful! Who knew he had manners?

We make a beeline to our usual table, sitting down and setting up in silence. Without even having to ask him, he gets the correct work sheets and notebooks out of his bag and lays them out neatly. I duck my head down to look in my bag, hiding my smile.

"You did really well on adjectives and qualifiers last week," I tell him. "So we'll focus on sentence structure this week, if that's okay?"

He says nothing, blankly watching me. I squirm in embarrassment under his gaze.

"Ushijima-san?"

"You're wearing glasses," he states.

Instinctively, I reach up to touch the frames on my face. "Oh, yeah! I've been getting headaches from studying lately so if I wear my glasses it helps the pain."

"I see."

"I don't," I giggle. He looks confused. "Never mind, let's just look at the worksheet."

For about fifteen minutes I oversee his writing, gently correcting and guiding when needed, but it's a lot less frequently than last week. Whatever I've been saying to him has obviously worked, he's taken it on board and is applying it flawlessly. However, he admits writing is easier than speaking. And because part of the exam is oral, we have to go through his pronunciation too.

"Can you read this for me?" I ask, pointing at a certain line.

"He will go to the store and buy bread," he says slowly, glancing up at me for guidance. I nod encouragingly, pointing at the sentence underneath it. "The cat sat on... The cat sat on the... The..."

"Rug," I say gently.

"What's that?"

"It's like a carpet." I tap my chin, trying to think of the best way to describe it. "Have you ever been in an old house and there's been a bit of material in front of the fireplace?" He nods. "That's a rug. Cats like sleeping on them because they're warm."

"Oh." He glances down at the worksheet. "Can you read this next one, please?"

"Sure." I lean forward, squinting slightly. "The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence."

He pulls a face. "What does that mean?"

"It's a proverb," I tell him. "It basically means the things a person doesn't have always seems more appealing than what they do have."

"What a strange proverb."

"That's English for you. Want me to read it again?"

I end up going over it a couple more times since Ushijima is perplexed by it. I try to reassure him that English idioms are a lot different to Japanese ones, and that he doesn't have to understand them fully, just grasp the basic concept. He still seems bothered by it. Rather than academia shining through, I think it's just stubbornness.

"When you speak English, you sound very American," Ushijima states. As if I didn't know.

"Well, I _am_ American," I tell him. "It says so on my passport. I only moved here last year so I still have a bit of an accent."

One thing I've noticed about Ushijima is that when you're talking to him and he's interested in what you have to say, he will stare relentlessly, taking in every word you say diligently. He does it now, staring me down; yet not intimidating. He looks curious, more than anything. His heavy eyebrows slightly raised, as if waiting for me to continue.

"My friend Sana said she knew I was a foreigner straight away because of my pronunciation."

"Yes, I had noticed too. It's hard not to."

I glare playfully. "I'm trying my best."

"You're still a very good speaker."

"One of the hardest things about learning the language is all the honorific's," I tell him. I'm not sure why I'm spouting so much word vomit, or admitting things to him that I haven't even told my closest friends. I think it's because I know that when I'm around him, I have to dominate the conversation.

"I still get a bit confused even now. When I first came, I had no idea how to address people and I was terrified they'd think I was rude. I called boys my age or younger senpai and then they'd all tease me. I called our Coach 'kun' and she chewed me out for it. And last names! I'm still not used to people using mine or calling people by theirs. In America, people just called me Y/N- you call each other by their first name over there. There's so much to remember and I'll never learn it all," I slump in my seat, exhausted from all the talking.

I don't expect Ushijima to say anything, he's more of a listener, but when he does speak, it surprises me.

"Despite all that, you have still done an amazing job," he tells me. "You have a natural aptitude for language. And helping others with it."

His words warm my insides like hot cocoa. "Really?" I try not to sound like I'm fawning. A compliment from Ushijima is as rare as gold dust. "I think I want to work in international relations when I leave school. Might as well put my skills to good use, right?"

"That is wise."

"What about you?" I ask, turning my head slightly so it's my turn to take in every inch of his face. He seems unperturbed by my stare. Like he's used to being viewed like this.

"I want to play volleyball."

"Really? I'd never have guessed."

"Is that surprising?"

"I was being sarcastic," I groan. "After I help with your English I'm going to teach you some social etiquette. I _know_ you want to play volleyball, but what's, like... your ultimate goal?"

"To be the best," he says without hesitation. The answer has been drilled into him.

"How?"

"By training hard and utilising my abilities to their fullest extent. I'm talented, I have what it takes, and with dedication I can achieve it."

It must be nice to be so self-assured. To have no qualms about who you are, what you want to be and how to get it. To see no reason to doubt yourself. A part of me wishes I had his brash confidence.

On anyone else it would be infuriating, Ushijima manages to get away with it.

"You'll definitely get there," I tell him. "I doubt you need me to tell you that, though."

"No, it's nice hearing encouragement though."

I pause, eyeing him carefully. I don't think he has the capacity to be snarky. He's too straightforward. His words, I deduce, are genuine.

"Well, I'm a cheerleader. Giving people encouragement is what I do best."

"You are good at it."

"Have you ever even seen me doing it?"

"Yes. We watch before our games."

I wince in embarrassment. I had no idea they did that. I wonder what they think when they see us tumbling, somersaulting and vaulting around? Knowing Ushijima has seen me like that makes me want to throw up.

"You're there to cheer us on, should we not watch you?" He asks, seeing my change in expression.

"No! It's not that."

"Then what?"

"I don't know." Obviously I can't tell him that it's humiliating because I have a disgustingly fat crush on him which has only gotten worse since this school year started. "You wouldn't know what it's like to doubt your abilities."

"Why do you? You're the best on your team."

"Stop!"

"Stop what?" He frowns.

"I am not! The other girls are way better than me. Misaki is the best flyer you'll ever see. Sana-"

"I do not know about them," he shrugs. "Because you are the most eye-catching performer."

I'm very aware how undignified I look with my mouth agape in astonishment, staring at him with disbelieving eyes. I'm stuck in position, too stunned to move. My heart feels like it's trying to crawl out of my throat. My brain pounds viciously against my skull. Every coherent thought leaves my mind, leaving me totally blank.

"Did I say something to offend you?"

Giving my head a quick shake, I snap out of my trance. "No. Just... surprised me. You're very blunt sometimes."

"I've been told."

Despite myself, I can't help smiling. He's lovely.

We work for a while longer, Ushijima painstakingly writing his sentences out in English while I do my own work, occasionally glancing over to check up on him. I discover that when he's concentrating very hard on something, his tongue slightly peeks out of the corner of his mouth. I have to bite down on the pillowy part of my cheeks to stop myself from laughing. He looks so cute.

"I think that should be it for today," I say, ten minutes before afternoon period starts. "You're coming on amazingly, Ushijima-san. You might not even need tutoring for the whole two weeks."

Ushijima looks startled. "I'm not sure about that."

"You'll be fine!" For once in his life, he's not being brazenly confident. I wonder why? He's not stupid, obviously he can tell he's improving leaps and bounds. Why would he need my assistance if he's able to work through it on his own?

Maybe it's the feeling of having a safety crutch there in case something does go wrong. He must really want to go to training camp if he's putting this much effort in.

Either way, I'll be here for him as long as he needs me.


	7. Chapter 7

The next day it's just Ushijima on his own outside the library again. Today, he's taken his blazer off and is left in just his sweater, school shirt and tie. Despite being covered in two layers of clothing, his muscles are still very evident through the material; his broad shoulders straining the shirt dangerously. Every time he flexes his arms, his biceps become even more prominent. I'm a little ashamed of how dizzy it makes me feel. He's crazily attractive, so much so that it really isn't fair to the rest of us mere mortals in comparison.

"Ushijima-san!" I greet him with a small bow. "No Tendou?"

"He's fallen ill."

"Oh no!" My stomach drops. "Is he okay?"

"He's fine, it's just a headache. He says it's because of the heat."

"Ah, that's understandable. It _is_ hot today. Shall we go in?"

Mirroring his actions from yesterday, he leans forward to open the door for me. I give him a little nod in acknowledgement and thank him. Truthfully, I thought yesterday had been a fluke, though, clearly he is working harder at being more polite. He probably thinks I won't continue to tutor him if he's rude. If only he knew that was the furthest thing from the truth.

Again, like yesterday, we sit down and Ushijima gets his work out. Last night I took the courtesy of making him a fresh test identical to the one full of mistakes that he showed me last week, so I tell him he has twenty minutes to finish it while I get on with my work. He seems satisfied with this, getting his head down immediately.

He scribbles away on the worksheet furiously, meanwhile I remain staring blankly at the page full of equations in front of me. I manage to repress a sigh, not wanting to distract Ushijima who is on a roll. If only Tendou could see him now! He'd regret ever calling him dumb.

Chewing the end of my pencil, I try to work over the numbers in my mind but they blur into squiggles on the page. I suppose I'll have to ask Yui for assistance, but during exam period she's more allusive than Bigfoot. When she's not in class, she locks herself away in her dorm and doesn't come out for anyone. Even if I proposed a study date, I doubt she would agree unless I nagged her.

I've only managed three questions by the time Ushijima finishes his test, looking over at me with puppy eyes to await my reaction. With a strained smile, I take the sheet from him and begin looking through his answers. It only takes five minutes to mark them.

"Amazing!" I tell him, handing the page back with a 63 marked on it. "See how much progress you've made in just one week?"

"Thank you," he says. "Your resources and teaching are very helpful."

This time, my smile is genuine. "No problem. I'm happy to see you succeed."

He smiles. He actually smiles! Not a small or discreet one that you have to really search for, a normal smile that softens his features and makes him look much younger and kinder. My breath hitches in my throat, heart skipping several beats.

"What about you?" He asks. "It looked like you were struggling with something."

"Just math," I sigh. "I'm not very good at it. That and science."

Ushijima blinks, I can practically see the cogs shifting in his mind. "I could... help you?" He offers. "With math. I am not the best but I can still try."

"Really?" My eyes widen in surprise. "You'd do that? Thank you so much!"

"Perhaps it would be better to ask Tendou about science, unfortunately I'm clueless about that."

"Ugh, tell me about it. As soon as you start talking about elements and atoms you've lost me."

Ushijima nods in agreement. "I prefer math. The numbers don't change and move around the page, there is always a right answer. Unlike other subjects."

"I hate it because of that exact reason," I pull a face. "I'd rather write an essay with an ambiguous answer. I'm very indecisive. I hate strictly right or wrong answers."

"That's a unique way of looking at it."

"It is?"

"To me, yes."

"It's a good thing we're opposites so we can help each other study."

If I didn't know better, I'd say Ushijima's cheeks go slightly pink. But I _know_ that doesn't happen, so I pass it off as my poor vision. It must be the light from his purple tie refracting on his face.

Shifting my chair closer to his, I hand him my math sheet which he looks over with his lips slightly pursed in concentration. I try to look anywhere but his face. Eventually, my eyes land on a random spot in the corner as I try to force my heart rate to slow down. Every time I'm in a close vicinity to him like this, it picks up like crazy. It's annoying that I'm the only one who has to feel like this; that he can sit next to me and be his usual stoic self.

The more Ushijima speaks, the more it becomes apparent that he isn't used to talking for such prolonged amounts of time; there's instances where his speech comes out janky, his voice trails off and times when he just straight up looks to me for reassurance, though he's the one meant to be helping me. However, I don't let it phase me. I nod and write down answers where appropriate, trying to be the model student to alleeviate his stress. It's very obvious he's out of his comfort zone.

Since I want to do this with him again, I try to make sure that he's not put off of it. He seems okay once he gets the hang of it. That's the main thing.

"We don't have to study every day now you're getting better," I tell him as we walk out of the library. "We can just make it a few times a week if you'd rather?"

"I would rather continue," he tells me.

"That's okay! Is there anything else you'd like to go over instead of English? I think you've pretty much got that in the bag now."

"Perhaps... History?"

"Perfect."

"And I will continue to help you where I can."

I smile widely. Being around Ushijima makes me so happy, especially when he goes out of his way to accommodate me. I realise that he doesn't do this for everyone.

"I've got to go, I don't want to be late again. See you tomorrow, Ushijima-san!"

He says something to me before I depart, but I'm in such a hurry that I never catch it. And it'll haunt me forever.

***

For the third day in a row, Tendou doesn't show up to our study session. This time when I ask Ushijima where he is, he tells me that he has no idea; he hasn't seen his friend all morning but didn't assume he would be coming anyway. I try not to feel offended. Truthfully, a teeny, tiny, selfish part of me prefers it just being Ushijima and I. Even though Tendou barely spoke at the first study session, his presence was still noticeable. However, just on our own, I can focus solely on Ushijima. Obviously I prefer it this way.

As promised, I help Ushijima go over his history homework this time. I'd say he's got similar skill levels with both history and English, but I tell him not to worry because we can definitely sort this out. He tells me there's too many facts to learn for history, so I suggest we make some sticky notes to condense the main facts and figures he needs to know. This is one of my preferred methods of revision, as it's easier to absorb as opposed to huge chunks of information.

"I had no idea there was so many ways to learn," he admits, copying down a date from his textbook.

"It's really about finding which is best suited for you," I explain. "Some people find visual aids helpful; like story boards and drawings. Some people like watching videos or listening to podcasts. It's very much about the individual."

"I see that now," Ushijima says. "I'm not sure which is best for me."

"You'll never know unless you try them all."

He scratches his temple with his pen. "I do not think studying is my strong point."

"You just haven't found what's right for you," I correct him. "Aren't you always saying to have more faith in your abilities?"

"I know where my abilities lie and that's in volleyball. I can admit that school isn't my strong point. That doesn't mean I'm doubting myself- it's a fact."

I roll my eyes. "You're a real smartass sometimes."

He smiles, ever so slightly.

After twenty minutes of history revision, we swap to math; which I'm reluctant to do. Ushijima is patient and doesn't get irritated even when I ask him to repeat himself multiple times, nor does he get annoyed when I bury my head in my arms and deem the equation impossible, complaining that I'll fail school and have to live on the streets when I get kicked out. Despite my distress, I quickly cheer up when I hear him chuckling. I know he's laughing _at_ me, but it still ignites my insides. His laughter is deep and rumbling, coming right from his chest. On reflection, I don't think I've ever heard him laugh before. I always thought he had no sense of humour.

"I'll have to speak to Tendou at some point and ask about chemistry," I sigh, leaning back in my chair. "He's so allusive I never know where to find him."

"He spends most of his time in his dorm reading."

"Oh?" I cock my head. "I've never been to the boy's dorms before. Girls aren't allowed."

One of the rules at Shiratorizawa is that boys and girls aren't allowed to mix in our respective dorms. Of course the students don't adhere to this and just do it under the teacher's noses instead; lots of rules only creates a more rebellious, sneaky student body. But Shiratorizawa is such a prestigious academy they have to seem strict. They can't let people know their students run wild right under their radar.

"There are often girls walking around the dorms," Ushijima states. "Though they are not supposed to."

"It's the same with the girls dorms. Especially on a weekend. You'll walk to the bathroom and you'll bump into some half naked boy. Or they're drunk. It can get a bit scary."

Despite knowing most of the people in my dorm block, seeing random boys is terrifying. Not that I think they would do anything sinister, yet there's always that slither of fear and 'what if'.

"The girls are often under dressed too," Ushijima remarks, with a straight expression.

I snicker. "Yeah, I bet."

"It's not pleasant."

Huh. That's weird. He must be the only teenage boy in the world who thinks it's unpleasant to see girls walking around without clothes on. It's such a strange thing to say that I cannot help but crack up laughing. Ushijima is such an old soul, talking to him like this feels like I'm sat with an old man. The disapproving tone in his voice only makes it more hilarious.

"What's funny?"

"You just say the funniest things," I tell him. "What boy doesn't want to see half naked girls?"

"Me," he deadpans.

"Because it's distracting?"

"No. Because I'm not supposed to see them like that and it makes me feel weird."

"That makes sense. And very gentlemanly." I pause. "When you were a first year, did you never have girls in your dorm?"

"No. I have never had a girl in my dormitory. I don't have time for such things with volleyball. Plus I'm not interested."

It's pathetic the way my heart sinks and my mood instantaneously sinks. I know it's totally irrational, Ushijima hasn't shown the slightest bit of interest in me; it's all my imagination running away with me. But with how closer we have become in the past couple of weeks, there was a small part of me that had hoped and hoped...

What? That I would be the exception? That I could change someone like Ushijima Wakatoshi? Yeah, right.

"I guess that's fair," I say, my voice coming out much smaller than intended.

"Why do you ask?" He's looking directly at me now, making me feel smaller than I already do.

I lift one shoulder in a shrug. "Curiosity, I guess. I can't see you being the type. No offence, you're not a stereotypical teenage boy, but because I don't know you that well I just wondered."

"My roommate often invited girls round but I always left. I do not like people impending on my space."

I shake my head with a fond smile. "Of course you don't."

"What about you? Do you have a boyfriend? Does he mind you helping me study?"

"No!" I choke. "Talk about a straightforward question. No, I don't have a boyfriend. I never have. Like you, I was never interested." A lie, but he'll never know. "My roommate always invited boys round. She had a crush on Semi so he came around a lot. That's how we've become such good friends."

"Eita?"

"Yeah. I don't think they even talk anymore, so it was all pointless."

At Shiratorizawa, during your first year you share a dorm with a fellow first year. Then, in your second and third years, you have a smaller dorm to yourself. My first year roommate was a girl called Himari. Her dorm now is on the same floor as mine, only three doors down in fact, meaning we often bump into each other and still talk regularly. I really liked her. We had similar personalities and she was a very considerate roommate. The only thing we butted heads on was the boy situation. She thought it was jealousy at first, so she would ask the boys to bring a friend for me; this was quickly stopped when I expressed how mortified I was about it.

She was head over heels for Semi so she invited him round to our dorm often for 'study dates'. I would lay in bed with my headphones and sneakily listen to their conversation; which mostly consisted of her shamelessly flirting and Semi being oblivious. At some point, I can't remember how, Semi and I started talking and became friends. The rest is history.

While I understand why the girls tease me about Semi and I, I know it'll never happen. One, someone as hot as Semi would never like me and two, unfortunately, I am too enamoured by Ushijima to even look at another boy. These feelings have only become much worse over the past few weeks. It's impossible to think about boys when he is all that occupies my mind.

The irony is that I know he doesn't think about me at all. As soon as he steps foot out of the library, I evaporate from his mind so he can concentrate on more important things- like volleyball. I won't even cross his mind. I'm not interesting or important enough.

"He talks about you a lot," announces Ushijima.

"Who? Semi?" I wrinkle my nose.

"Yes."

"Oh." I don't really know what to say. "I mean, we _are_ friends, so that doesn't really surprise me. He was one of the first friends I made here."

Ushijima grunts, like he doesn't want to talk about it. About Semi.

 _That's weird_ , I think with a frown. _I thought they were close_?


	8. Chapter 8

Instead of turning to Tendou for help with my science work, I miraculously manage to convince Yui to tutor me. I almost fall over when she agrees so enthusiastically, telling me it'll be good revision and that tutoring other people is a studying technique she hasn't tried yet but wants to give it a go. I'm more than happy to oblige.

Because I'm busy on lunchtimes and on an evening with cheer practise, we have to work late into the night in the library until the librarian kicks us out at eleven pm. Yui asks if I want to go back to her dorm and finish up but I'm so exhausted I can barely stand upright, I politely decline and collapse straight into bed.

With the cheer camp coming up, our practises only get more intense and have a bad habit of running late. My schedule is so packed I don't even have time to check in on the volleyball boys anymore, missing their practise for a whole week. Semi tells me it's not the same without me there, to which I blush and call him stupid.

The volleyball boys are much busier too. One morning in the cafeteria over breakfast, I'm sat on my own nursing a cup of tea when Ushijima comes over. I almost have a heart attack. My brain is still fuzzy with sleep so I didn't even realise the volleyball team were _in_ here.

"Hi, Ushijima-san," I smile tiredly, straightening myself up out of politeness. "Are you okay?"

"Coach Washijou called for a meeting at lunchtime so I am unable to study with you."

"Oh, that's okay. Good luck anyway."

"Actually, I was wondering if we could reschedule for tonight?" He asks. "After practise. I got a seventy on my history test and I would like to continue while we still can."

"Of course! Well done on your test results! That's impressive."

He nods slightly. "Thank you. I could not have done it without you."

I'm too dopey to be bashful. "We're helping each other. It's only fair."

Ushijima has to leave since the rest of the volleyball team are leaving. He gives me a small wave goodbye before turning heel and following the rest of his team. Just as they are walking out, the squad are walking in. I'm so glad they came at this time so they missed Ushijima and I's conversation. They'd only tease me mercilessly for it. Not that I mind joking with them, but knowing Ushijima will never feel the same way for me is just too painful.

***

I'm so exhausted by the end of the night that I can barely drag myself out of the club room, having to hang onto the doorway for support. Kishi really put us through the wringer tonight and I'm going to be feeling the aftermath for days to come. I want nothing more than to take a hot bath and get into bed, but I made a promise to Ushijima which I can't turn back on.

"Aren't you coming back with us?" Ruki asks me, looking confused.

"I'm going to study in the library," I tell her.

"You've been studying so much!" She exclaims. "Take a break tonight. You look exhausted. You're not going to learn anything if you're tired."

She's right, of course. And I wish I'd given it more thought this morning than just blindly agreeing to whatever Ushijima asked of me. It's pathetic the way I bend to his every whim. And for what? In hope that he'll eventually take interest in me? I know he's just using me to get the grades he wants to be allowed to the training camp, no matter how much I try to reassure myself that he isn't that shallow. He is. Of course he is. Isn't every boy?

Before anyone else can ask anymore questions, I wave them goodbye and power walk away in the direction of the library. We have about three hours before it closes, which is a little less time than I'd like. There's only a week and a half until exams now, no matter how much I study I still don't feel prepared or like I've done enough.

Ushijima isn't in his school uniform when I arrive, just a long-sleeved athletic top and sweatpants. I don't know why seeing him in casual clothes like this makes my heart flutter when all he's doing is standing there. I give him a shy wave, suddenly feeling very self conscious in my t-shirt and basketball shorts.

"Hello," he says. "Thank you for agreeing to do this. I know it was a lot to ask."

"Of course it's not!" I smile, like my legs aren't burning and my lungs half collapsing with exhaustion. "It benefits both of us."

Unlike on a lunchtime, there's a couple of people in the library studying, but they're spread out around enough that we can sit at our normal table and not be disturbed. It's awkward being the only people talking, but since we're whispering I don't think we're much of a distraction. Besides, I don't feel like having much of a conversation, I have work to do too.

We work in companionable silence, Ushijima occasionally leaning over to ask me to help him with a question, or me whispering for help with an equation. I'm surprised at how well we work in tandem, how quickly we've adjusted to one another. I try not to feel disappointed that once exams are over we'll go back to being strangers, being around him has taken up such a huge part of my life over these couple of weeks that I can't imagine not talking to him again. Not in the same way, at least. We'll probably politely say hello in passing, I doubt it will be much more. Once it's volleyball season, Ushijima won't have the capacity to focus on anything else.

The librarian has to gently ask to leave at the end of the night. Neither of us realised that we stayed way later than the other library users, working past closing time. Apparently the librarian didn't want to disturb us because we were working so hard, but she advises we get some rest. I couldn't agree more. I'm dead on my feet.

Once outside the library, I sigh and lean against the wall. Despite wearing my glasses, I have a terrible headache and my stomach is aching with lack of food.

"Are you okay?" Ushijima peers at me.

"Yeah, I'm fine. Thanks for all your help tonight."

"Would you like me to walk you back to your dorm?"

"Huh?" I'm unable stop myself from sounding stupid. I'm pretty sure I'm so tired I'm starting to have hallucinations, because there's no way-

"Would you like me to walk you back to your dorm?" He repeats. Okay. So he really did say that. How weird.

"Why?"

"Tendou said it was the gentlemanly thing to do," he says as if it's obvious. I suppose in his mind it is. "You also don't look very well. I wouldn't want something to happen to you on your walk back."

Spending time with him is counterproductive. The more I'm around him, the harder I fall. The more my heart betrays me. Wouldn't it be best if I cut all ties with him before getting my heart broken in future? To nip it in the bud before it escalates and gets too serious? The rational part of me is screaming to take a step back while I still have my pride. Ushijima wouldn't care. It's not like he's doing it out of the goodness of his heart or anything. Tendou obviously told him to offer or else it would look rude.

"Okay."

Damn it.

So we begin walking in silence. I have no idea what to say to him since I used up all my brain capacity in the library. He never initiates conversations either so it's going to be a quiet walk back. But why do I feel so excited? To my knowledge, he's never offered to walk any other girls to their dorms- he doesn't _talk_ to any other girls. Does that mean he thinks of me as a friend?

Is this really worth me getting excited over, though?

"Are you okay?" Ushijima asks. "You're shivering."

"Am I?" I ask. _Was I_? "I'm fine."

"It's cold," he states. "Don't you have a jacket?"

"No, I left it in my locker in the club room. It's fine. Once we get walking properly I'll warm up."

I don't see him silently reach into the bag resting on his hip. All I know is that the next minute, he's handing me his volleyball jacket. I stop dead, looking at him in confusion, unable to process any of this.

"Are you cold?" I ask dumbly. Because there's no way Ushijima is offering what I think he is.

"This is for you," he tells me. "Because _you_ are cold."

After a few seconds of staring at him, I slowly take the jacket out of his grasp. My whole body is trembling at the prospect of wearing something of Ushijima's, that has been close to his body. That sounds totally creepy. But it's such a weirdly intimate gesture that I'm totally thrown off guard. Is it some kind of prank? Will I shake it out and thousands of cockroaches fall out or something? Ushijima isn't the type to notice something is wrong with someone else, let alone offer to help them. He seems too interested in himself, not sparing regard to anyone else.

Cautiously, I unfold the jacket and slip it over my arms. My heart stalls completely when I realise it still smells of him. It's not sweaty or unpleasant like I expected, it just smells like... him. With a faint smell of cologne underneath it. The sleeves fall right down over my hands, the hem of it stopping halfway down my thighs. I'm more than aware how ridiculous it must look considering how oversized it is, but it's warm and that's all I care about. If Ushijima hadn't pointed out how cold I was, I don't think I would've noticed.

"Thanks," I mumble, zipping the jacket up.

"You're welcome. You should take better care of yourself. I know it is exam season but that doesn't mean you can neglect your health."

"I'm not!" I protest. Is he saying I look bad? Has constant studying been taking an affect on my appearance?

"You looked like you were in pain tonight. Was it from your practice or is there something else?"

"I have a headache, I guess. That's pretty normal." I pull the jacket tighter around me. "Practise _was_ hard tonight, though."

"Did something happen?"

"No, it was just really tiring. I'm a flyer which means- you probably don't want to hear it." I close my mouth quickly, burning with embarrassment even though I didn't say anything. The realisation I was going to go off on a tangent was bad enough.

"Continue."

I turn to look at him, trying to evaluate his expression. It remains blank, but, oddly enough, he seems... sincere?

"You won't want to hear it. It's not volleyball."

"Volleyball takes up a large part of my life but it is not my only interest," he tells me. Our eyes meet and he raises his right eyebrow ever so subtly. "I would like you to tell me."

"Okay... Um... So I'm a flyer, which means I'm one of the girls which is lifted in the air and supported by other girls on the squad. I started out as a base- someone who supports flyers on the ground- but I wasn't strong enough."

"I see. Do you not find it challenging?"

"Oh, yeah. At first it was terrifying. But I've been doing it for so long now that it's kind of like second nature. I've only ever had a few accidents, not enough to put me off. And I completely trust the girls so it's not too bad. It feels different when you're doing it for real. In practise you always think 'oh God something is bound to go wrong', but when you're out there, you can't focus on anything else but getting it right. It's probably like that in volleyball, huh?"

Ushijima nods. "It's exactly like that. I did not realising cheerleading was such a team sport."

"Totally! You have to work as a team otherwise people would be falling and getting fractures constantly. Plus, if your teamwork is off then the routine just looks messy. We'd never let that happen."

"How so?"

"Because we don't want to embarrass you guys at your games," I tell him.

"You set the stage very well for us. I have heard nothing but compliments about your squad. Especially behind the scenes. Players from other schools talk about it too."

"Really?" I widen my eyes.

"Yes. The boys always have particular things to say."

Knowing that he has heard locker room talk amongst other boys makes my insides go funny. I'm not entirely sure why. I wonder what thought processes he has. Does he join in? Silently agree? Think his own things? Probably not. I imagine before a game he's too hyper-focused to even think of anything but volleyball.

"Boys like that are gross."

"Yes," he agrees. "It is demeaning."

I don't tell him that I wouldn't mind if he was demeaning to me. I'd probably find it hot. But for the sake of my pride and my female ancestors who fought for my rights as a woman, I lock this thought away to the darkest corner of my mind and hope it never emerges again.

"I guess it's like that with the girls too. They always talk about the volleyball boys too. Especially at training camps. You know how it gets."

"I don't."

"Wha-? How can you not?" I ask incredulously.

He looks blank. "I'm there to play volleyball, not behave frivolously. I don't know what my teammates get up to while I'm resting up."

Why does he sound so disapproving? I loosen the collar of his jacket away from my neck. Although I'm definitely not one of the worst trouble makers, I've had my fair share of 'frivolous' behaviour. Who can blame me? Your teenage years are meant to be spent doing things you regret, not living like Ushijima. Even if you _are_ a sports prodigy. It seems like he doesn't have time for anything remotely fun in his life.

"It's not _that_ bad," I say awkwardly. I refrain from mentioning the time Reon was dared to run naked through the Shiratorizawa training facility, or last year when a third year stole Semi's clothes and towel while he was still in the shower so he had to do a walk of shame down the corridor while covering his privates. Come to think of it, Ushijima _was_ never there. He was either getting an early night, jogging or practising on his own.

"Do you ever, like, do anything fun?" I ask. I don't mean for it to come out so rude, I'm genuinely curious. He has such a regimented lifestyle that it would drive a normal person insane.

"Volleyball is fun."

"Outside of volleyball."

There is a prolonged silence which tells me everything I need to know.

"It's only your second year of high school," I tell him. "There's still time to, y'know, live a little. Yeah your life revolves around volleyball but that doesn't mean you're not allowed to have fun or take a break occasionally."

"How would that help me in the slightest?"

I lift one shoulder up in a shrug. "I don't know. It would be good for you mentally? Give your body a rest for once? Even the best athletes in the world take a break every now and then."

Ushijima shakes his head. "They are pointless activities. Drinking alcohol and embarrassing yourself is not fun."

"There's not _always_ alcohol involved. It's just about having fun with the people around you. You should really try it sometime. I can guarantee it would change your mind." I smile up at him. I can't tell whether it's a good thing that he looks so pensive.

"It still seems redundant."

I sigh. "There's no pleasing some people."

By now, we're at the front entrance of my dorm building. I was so absorbed in our conversation that I didn't realise we'd even walked that far, let alone reached our destination. I can't help but feel disappointed that I don't get to spend more time with him. Surprisingly, I really enjoyed our conversation. Despite him being infuriatingly stubborn.

"Thank you for walking me back," I say. "I really appreciate it."

"Make sure you take painkillers and get an adequate amount of sleep," he tells me. His concern makes my stomach flutter, like its full tiny caged birds. "We all need to be on top form with the preliminaries approaching."

I click my heels and salute him. "Yes, sir."

There is the slightest smile on his face. "Goodnight, L/N."

"Wait, don't you want your jacket back?"

"It's fine. You can keep it for now."

"Are you sure?"

"I am positive. Take care."

"Bye," I whisper, huddling into the jacket as I watch him walk away, shivering as a breeze passes right through me.


	9. Chapter 9

Since it's such a nice day, Coach Ida says we can hold practise outside on the grassy field behind the gymnasiums. We often have practise outside, whether it's because another team needs to use our gym or just for a change of scenery and to boost our moral. I'm quite relieved. There's something so much more enjoyable about practising in the fresh air and feeling the warmth on your skin, as opposed to the stuffy atmosphere inside.

We start off by doing a few laps around the field, mostly just messing around and shoving one another; until Coach yells at us and we start to take it seriously. Then we get to stretching. Since we're all doing extra studying and spending a lot more time sat down and bent over textbooks, we have to stretch more thoroughly since our muscles are seized up and taunt, grimacing every time one of my joints pop.

I'm touching the grass in the downward dog position trying to stretch my spine, bracing myself with effort so I don't end up losing my balance. I can feel all the discs in my spine shifting accordingly, meaning I must be doing something right.

As I open my eyes and exhale, I see someone stood behind me through the gap in my legs. Out of curiosity, I bend down further and my blood simultaneously turns ice cold and boiling hot when I realise _Ushijima_ is looking at me.

With a cry of surprise, I lose all control of my muscles and crash to the ground, landing painfully on my head and somersaulting backwards in the aftermath. My end position is a crumpled up heap on the grass, legs tangled awkwardly and arms akimbo. I wish the earth would swallow me up whole and save me from this embarrassment.

Of course this scene has attracted attention. I'm well aware that everyone is staring at me in surprise and Ushijima in astonishment. He's never even stepped foot near our practise, so they'll be wondering what he's doing here. _I'm_ wondering what he's doing as well.

I stagger to my feet, brushing the loose grass off of my uniform. I can't look him in the eye.

"You didn't see my butt, did you?" I ask miserably. "Actually, don't answer that. Of course you saw my butt."

"I apologise," he says, looking awkward. "I was not... staring inappropriately at you. Or trying to scare you. I'm sorry to bother you like this, I was wondering if I could have my jacket back? Sensei seems to have a problem that I lent it to you. I don't, obviously, but he said I needed to get it back."

"Oh, right! I'm sorry, I was going to give it back to you after practise. I didn't realise you needed it."

"Neither did I. I didn't want to bother you-"

"No, no, it's okay. It's in my locker in the club room. I'll just go and get it."

I shout to Coach telling her where I'm going and she gives me permission to leave. Every coach in school, no matter what they teach, is in love with Ushijima so she'd never say no where he's concerned. All the teachers fawn over him because he's a celebrity. There's really no wonder his ego is so huge. Then again, I can't really blame them.

Ushijima follows me to the club room. I'm still mortified that he caught me in the downward dog. Why is it always me who has these runs of bad luck? Especially where my crush is concerned. Mercifully, he is so stoic and gentlemanly that he doesn't mention it or even react.

"I'm sorry to disturb your practise. It looked like you were working hard."

"Don't worry about it. I know you wouldn't have done if Coach wasn't nagging you about it."

"Yes. He seemed unhappy that I lent it to a girl."

I stare him down. "You told him?"

"Should I not have?"

"Well..." I drop my gaze. "You know how he feels about the cheerleaders. He hates you even talking to us, he thinks we're a distraction."

"He does?"

"Yes!" I can't help but laugh at his obliviousness. Does he really walk around with his eyes closed? With tunnel vision only for volleyball? The more time I spend with him, the more I realise this theory may be true.

"I had no idea," he says innocently. "I _did_ wonder why he reacted so oddly."

"I'll probably be banned from ever entering the gym again," I sigh. I'd rather never step foot in there again than be on the receiving end of one of Coach Washijou's harangues. The volleyball team have nerves of steel putting up with him.

"I won't let you. We need our cheerleaders after all." The corners of his lips curve up ever so slightly in a smile. I'm shocked.

 _Does Ushijima actually have game_?

"You just get away with it because you're the Golden Boy," I grumble.

"It has its perks sometimes," he admits shamelessly.

I bump my shoulder against his arm playfully, rolling my eyes so he knows I'm joking. He chuckles in response. I'm so unused to hearing him laugh that it still makes my skin tingle in surprise. Knowing I was able to get such a reaction from him makes me feel incredibly blessed.

"This is the club room, I'll only be a minute," I tell him before rushing up the stairs.

My heart is thundering in my chest as I retrieve his jacket from my locker. I didn't have time to wash it and it smells like my perfume, I hope that doesn't bother him too much. I feel rude giving him it back without cleaning it, but it's not like I had any time- or choice when I got to give it back to him.

 _It's fine, Y/N_ , I tell myself firmly. _Ushijima doesn't seem the type who'd care about it_. _Let it go_.

Before heading back outside, I take a deep breath to ground myself. It'll be fine. I'll hand him the jacket, he'll go his way and I'll go mine and we'll never talk about it again. I'm completely overreacting over something miniscule.

Ushijima is waiting patiently outside, looking at one of the flyers on the walls. I have to subtly cough to garner his attention, handing the jacket out to him sheepishly.

"I'm sorry I didn't have time to wash it-"

"It's fine. There's no problem." He nods in acknowledgement. "Thank you. Again, sorry for troubling you."

"It's no trouble!" I say lightly. "You're never any trouble." I freeze after realising what I've just said. There's no turning back now. "I have to go. Bye."

Ducking my head, I run away from him as fast as possible, trying to leave my humiliation behind.

***

I know I'm in for it once practise is over. Everyone's prying gazes are enough to tell me that they're dying to know what Ushijima and I's interaction was all about. There's no way I can escape either, as soon as Coach Ida dismisses us they'll pounce straight on me. So instead of facing my problems head on and telling the truth, I simply curate a believable lie.

As soon as we get into the club room, Ahyma locks the door behind her and that's when they all jump on me. Some of them physically. Eichi and Koharu jump on each of my shoulders, pulling me down onto the floor with them. Sana jumps on top of me too, the traitor. Even Kishi doesn't stop the chaos, she must just be as desperate to know as the other girls.

"What were you doing with _Ushijima's_ jacket?" Ruki demands. "Are you two a _thing_?"

"Called it!" Misaki yells. "I knew you had the hots for him!"

"I do not!" I protest, writhing away from Eichi's fingers digging into my sides as she tickles me. "He left his jacket behind in the library so I picked it up for him! I asked Tendou to tell him this morning to get it from me."

Eichi pulls back, still straddling my stomach as she stares deeply into my soul, eyebrows knitting together in the middle. Like she's deep in concentration. This can't be good news. She may act like a rowdy airhead, but she's too sharp for her own good.

"Bullshit!" She announces eventually. "You've been missing from the cafeteria at lunch for the past two weeks, you and Ushijima seem friendlier than ever and you have his jacket? You're definitely up to something."

"I'm not!" I wiggle out from underneath her, giving my best indignant look. "He studies at the same library as me because it's quiet. Sure, we've talked briefly in there a couple of times but it's not like we've been having _conversations_ or anything. He mostly asks me questions about English homework."

Sana offers me her hand to help me up. I take it gratefully.

"He was totally staring at your ass earlier, though."

" _Ahyma_!"

"He was!" She says innocently. "It was when you fell on your head!"

"Oh my god." I bury my head in my hands. My insides are feel like snakes. Was he really looking at my ass or is she just over exaggerating? More to the point, why am I not more bothered about this?

"Your ass _was_ sticking out in the air," Ruki looks at me sympathetically. "He probably couldn't help it."

"Can we stop talking about my ass?"

"So you swear nothing is happening between you and Ushijima?"

" _Yes_!"

"It's funny," Kishi intervenes, smiling knowingly. "I've never seen him flustered before, but when he spoke to you he was blushing, Y/N."

"Because she was showing a full moon- _ow_!"

I continue pummelling Eichi with my fists until she waves her hand and calls for a truce.

"You saw _nothing_ with Ushijima," I tell them. "Because there _is_ nothing going on."

It's the truth. So why does it hurt so much?

***

The next week passes by in a blur. Before I know it, I'm sitting my first exam on Monday morning. Surprisingly, I'm not as nervous as I thought I'd be. I've done all I can to prepare and there's nothing more I can do now I'm sat here, waiting for the tests to be handed out. All I can do is hope for the best.

In between exams, cheer practise and very little sleep, the next five days actually passes very quickly. Soon, it's Friday afternoon and I'm handing in my History paper after a gruelling exam. Our teacher wishes me good luck at the cheer camp, telling me to do my best and make the academy proud. I bow lowly, thanking her profusely before scurrying out of the classroom.

There's no practise tonight considering we've all had an exhausting week and we'll be getting enough practise over the next week. I want to shower and get into my pyjamas as quickly as possible. For the first time since the school year started I have no club obligations or homework, so I want to spend my time wisely. Netflix is calling me.

However, I stop dead when I see Ushijima waiting outside of the girls dorms. With... a bouquet of flowers? Tilting my head in confusion, I head over to him. I know I'm being nosy, but I'm confused as to who he's waiting for. Is he meeting a girl for a date? No, he has practise tonight. Then what could they possibly be for? My throat closes tightly when I envision him giving them to another girl.

"L/N!" His deep voice calls. Oh no. Is he going to ask me to deliver them since he can't enter the dorms? I don't want to play Cupid.

"Hi," I say, forcing a smile.

"I haven't seen you all week. How were your exams?"

"They went okay, I hope! Math was fine. How about you?"

"I got an eighty-nine English," he tells me. "And I passed History."

I clap in joy, foul mood dissipating immediately. "Congratulations! I knew you could do it! I'm so happy for you. I bet you're relieved that you can go to the training camp now."

"Of course." He shifts on his feet. "I got you these flowers, as a token of my appreciation."

I stare at him with half-hooded eyes in disbelief. "Huh?"

"These are for you." Ushijima holds the bouquet out. "As a thanks. I would never have passed without your help. Because of you, I am able to go to the training camp. It was the least I could do."

Dumbly, I take the flowers out of his grasp. None of this seems real. Did I fall asleep in the middle of my exam and I'm just dreaming? This is such an unusual gesture for someone like Ushijima, who only cares about himself. There's no room in his life for consideration for other people. Why me? Why have I been singled out? He could have easily expressed his gratitude through words. A gesture like this, while very appreciated, just seems... unnecessary. And out of character.

"They're beautiful," I express, body tingling. "Thank you, Ushijima-san."

"I'm glad you like them. I was unsure of what to get but the woman at the store directed me."

Hearing this makes me even more emotional. I have to swallow thickly before I'm able to talk properly.

"It means a lot that you went through all that trouble. I can't wait to put them on my windowsill. They'll brighten up my entire dorm. Thank you."

"You're welcome. Will you be coming to practise tonight?"

"I wasn't planning on," I admit. "But I might since I have some free time."

"I'll look forward to seeing you if you do come. I must go now, I've already lingered too long. Goodbye, L/N."

I'm still in such a state of shock that I don't have the capacity to wish him farewell. When I realise I'm holding a huge bouquet of flowers that will undoubtedly attract attention, I hurry inside to find a vase to put them in.

***

I drag myself out of bed for the last forty minutes of practise. I don't bother dressing up, just putting on a zip up hoodie and grey sweatpants. I know I should probably make an effort if I'm seeing Ushijima (did he technically invite me tonight? I'm still uncertain) but I don't have the effort. We have to be on the bus for six am tomorrow so I'm trying to preserve all my energy.

I'm wary about being around Coach Washijou after the jacket incident, but with how much has been going on with the volleyball team I'm sure he'll have forgotten. Plus he's old and most likely forgetful. It'll be fine. Ushijima was right. He's the star, so ultimately what he says goes.

Fortunately, I manage to sneak right under their noses while they're engrossed in practising. Sticking close to the wall, I disappear up to the stands completely undetected.

I don't know why I'm so apprehensive about seeing Ushijima. I managed to convince myself that the flowers were simply a thoughtful gesture with no other intent, so it's definitely not that. Ushijima and I aren't even _friends_ , probably the furthest thing from it. We're basically strangers.

Isn't he a stranger to everyone, though? Apart from Tendou, his best friend, no one really knows Ushijima Wakatoshi. I'm not kidding myself into believing that I do, but, in comparison to most people, I've probably seen more of him. We've actually had some decent conversations- this the most surprising thing of all.

Resting my elbow on the railing, I lean my face into my cupped hand and day dream. Mostly about Ushijima, as always. I also wonder what will happen during the next week at training camp. Will he have taken my words to heart and try to loosen up, or did he completely disregard them the moment he heard them?

Eventually, my eyes get drawn to Ushijima and his raw strength. He really is a demon on the court, the complete contrast to his personality around school. If I didn't know him like I did, I'd think he had a particularly ferocious twin who played sports. I know the other girls call him boring in comparison to the other personalities on the team, now I'm certain that there is way more to him than meets the eye. I've seen a glimpse of his humour, his smile, his laugh, I've managed to have conversations with him; I realise now you just have to have the patience to get to know him. The results don't come straightaway, but he's worth it.

It's too late now to pull back or tell myself it's not sensible to have feelings for him. Things have spiralled beyond my control now. All I can do is wait it out.

I'm sure it'll go away on it's own.

When Ushijima sits on the bench during time out, he glances up to the stands and I smile as I catch his eye. He inclines his head slightly, I'm too far away to see if he's smiling. I like to think he is.

Meanwhile, Tendou's greeting is a lot more enthusiastic. He springs up off the bench, waving wildly at me and calls up, "You made it!"

"Wouldn't miss it for the world!" I shout back down.

I catch Semi's eye and see him smiling at me too, softer than Tendou's over-the-top grin. I give him the thumbs up, trying to show him that I'm there to support him too, I didn't just come at Ushijima's request.

Okay, well I _did_ , but he doesn't need to know that.

After another twenty minutes, Washijou finally relents and dismisses them, telling them to clean up and get an early night since we're all leaving early in the morning. He has to pointedly tell Ushijima to put the volleyballs away, knowing that he'd train through the night if he wasn't instructed to take it easy.

By the time I make it down from the stands, the team have already started taking the net down and are collecting the volleyballs to give to Ushijima. I wonder whether I should offer to help him, but when Reon asks me to help him sweep up my attention is diverted. Tendou is trying to engage in a mop fight with Semi but the grey haired boy is having none of it, swiping out to hit Tendou but he ducks out of the way every time with a cackle.

"No practise tonight?" Reon asks me as we work our way around the outer edges of the court.

"Nah. Coach said we could have a break since we're up early tomorrow. You guys weren't that lucky, huh?"

He rolls his eyes. "As if. He'd have us practising until tomorrow morning if Saito didn't tell him to take it easy on us. So are you looking forward to the training camp?"

"Definitely! It's gonna be so fun. I feel like we'll learn and do a lot more now we're in our second year, the first year ones seemed more like an introduction and we messed around a lot. What about you? I know it's probably more difficult for you guys."

Reon grins. "It's gonna be great. I've already got a good feeling about it." He sends me a knowing look, subtly flicking his eyebrows up.

"Sounds like you have something planned," I tease.

"Innocent little me? Not a chance."

"Try not to get naked this time. You gave Sayoko jelly legs for the whole day afterwards."

"Really?" He smirks. "Huh. And here I was thinking she was playing hard to get."

I wrinkle my nose. "Now I know why Washijou doesn't let us mingle."

We finish sweeping up and I help wash the jersey's with Shirabu while Tendou and Semi tend to the floor. Since he's new and only been practising with the team for a few weeks, he still has a lot to learn and is very conscious of making mistakes. I know I'm far less intimidating than the guys on the team so I try to make him feel as at ease as possible. I already know a lot about how the club works so I explain it to him in a gentle manner that makes his cheeks go bright red, unable to look me in the eye.

By the time we return, everyone has finished their tasks and Ito is waiting to lock up. Outside on the step, they all bid each other good night before returning to their respective dorms. I manage to catch up to Tendou who is fortunately walking on his own, ambling along with his hands in his pockets as he whistles tunelessly.

"Hey!" I bound up beside him. "Do you have a minute?"

"Sure," he looks surprised but is amicable nonetheless. "What's up, Y/N-san?"

Glancing over my shoulder to ensure no one is within earshot, I say lowly, "Thank you for the flowers today. It was a really nice gesture."

He wrinkles his nose in confusion. "Flowers?" He repeats.

"Yeah..." I say slowly. "You know, the flowers Ushijima and you got me for helping you study."

"I didn't know anything about any flowers," Tendou tells me. "I was gonna get you some pocky or something. Ha!" He barks suddenly. "Ushiwaka bought you flowers! That's hilarious."

"Shh!" I hiss violently, looking around in fear. "You must have hinted it, right? Or, like, pushed him in the right direction."

Tendou has this infuriatingly smug look on his face, lips pulled up in a smirk. "Nope," he emphasises the 'n'. "That was all his idea. Actually, come to think about it, he _did_ rush away after our last exam without saying anything."

It feels like someone has poured ice water down the back of my neck. I stop dead in the middle of the path, staring at the back of Tendou's head in a mixture of bewilderment and horror. Tendou must be joking with me. There's no way Ushijima would come up with a gesture that heartfelt himself. He would _never_ do something like that. Especially not for me. Someone so insignificant and not worth his precious time.

"Why do you look like you've just seen a ghost? You like him, right?"

"What?" I choke. "No I don't! Who told you that! They're lying!"

He cackles. "It's so obvious. The tension between you two is painful."

By now, I have to practically pick my jaw up off the ground. "There is no tension!"

"Sure," he wiggles his eyebrows.

I don't even know what to say. I'm so stunned that no words can come out of my mouth. My hands are shaking so badly I have to shove them into the pockets of my sweatpants. I just can't fathom why Ushijima would do such a thing for me. Especially when Tendou wasn't going to make such a big deal out of it.

As I'm walking back to my dorm, I decide that I'll ask him tomorrow. If I ever find the nerve.


	10. Chapter 10

It's still dark when we get on the bus the next morning, shivering in the cold as we wait for Coach and Kishi to take the register and go through our itinerary for the day. I'm not sure why we have to do it right now, but apparently they want to get started straight away when we arrive so there's no time to waste. Half of us aren't even listening, too tired to even comprehend what they're telling us. I hear someone gently snoring from the back so they must've fallen asleep standing up.

As soon as we get on the bus, we settle into our seats and try to fall asleep again. Sana rests her head against my shoulder and I rest my head against the top of hers, within minutes I'm dropping off.

By the time I wake up, we're almost at our destination. Coach tells us it'll be another fifteen minutes before we arrive. Glancing over, I see Sana is sleepily listening to music. She offers me one of her earbuds but I turn it down politely. My mind is too preoccupied to focus on music.

I wish I could tell her about my predicament. It's not that I don't trust her, she's my best friend and I can tell her most things, I just can't guarantee she wouldn't accidentally blab to someone. More specifically, the rest of the squad. After my protests against liking Ushijima, they'd tease me even more mercilessly if they discovered the truth. Sana wouldn't do it out of malice, there isn't a nasty bone in her body, she just gets excited and blurts things out. She'd definitely get excited about this, since it's the first time we've ever heard of Ushjima doing a kind gesture for a girl.

No, not kind. It seemed kind of... romantic.

Maybe that's just me getting my hopes up, or making the situation into something it's not; gauging Tendou's reaction, he was thinking along a similar vein. The tension he mentioned? There is _no_ tension, surely. I would have noticed it. For there to be tension feelings have to go both ways. Ushijima seems as disinterested in me as he does with everyone else.

It's not that I can really discuss it with Tendou, either. I feel like he wouldn't take it seriously, if his reaction last night was anything to go by. Then again, he knows Ushijima better than anyone. Yet there's always the possibility he would tell him. Or say something forthright to him, which would only make Ushijima confused.

No matter how much it's tearing me apart, I know I have to keep this to myself. Until I get the opportunity to talk to Ushijima, but I have no idea when that might be. When he's not on the court at training camps, he's virtually allusive. He's a very solitary person, taking himself away from the team to work through his own things. I don't want to look like I'm stalking him.

I guess I have no other choice but to wait and see.

***

When we arrive, we don't have time to do anything else but deposit our belongings in the Shiratorizawa accommodation, change into our uniforms and then get back on the bus which will take us to the training centre. Now we've all woken up, there's a contagious, buzzing excitement in the air. We can't sit still in our seats and we get told off by Kishi for our rowdy behaviour. She scolds us by saying we'll make a bad example of the most prestigious school in Sendai. Someone blows a raspberry at her (I think it's Eichi, no one else would have the nerve) which makes us go even more hysterical, much to the captain's chagrin.

Kishi sends me a pointed look, obviously wondering when my co-captain duties are going to kick in and take control of the situation. When she's gone next year, it will be me who gets given a hard time by the other girls, so I'm going to have to learn how to deal with it or else I won't last a day.

"Guys," I say loudly. "Stop being pains in the ass. Listen to Kishi-chan."

"Ooh. What're you gonna do about it?" Misaki teases.

In a flash, I pick up my empty Sprite bottle and throw it at her head. It makes its mark with a hollow _clunk_ , causing her to fall back into her seat with a wail of pain. Ahyma shoves her away when she tries to bury her head in her shoulder.

"I mean, violence wouldn't have been my first resort but at least they're listening," Kishi grins. "Nice one, Y/N."

From behind me, Eichi coughs a quiet, "nerd", under her breath which makes me turn around and start to smack her around the head. Eventually she relents and promises to keep quiet, pouting and looking wounded.

We don't have much more time to behave badly because when we get dropped off at the training centre, practise begins almost immediately. We don't have time to sit down until dinner that night back at our accommodation. Since both the boys team and the squad are sharing the building, we eat dinner together at the same time at opposite ends of the room. Ito asks Coach Saito if we can all sit together but he tells him to drop the matter. For what reason I can't understand. Perhaps he's worried we'll be a distraction, like sleeping in the same building isn't bad enough.

After dinner, we have to arrange our beds in the room we're staying in. The girls are on the ground floor meanwhile the boys and the coach's room are upstairs, this was probably done in order to keep as much separation between us as possible. Not that it ever works. Even Coach Washijou's threatening presence does little to act as a preventer.

Even though we're all exhausted, Coach Ida comes in and tells us we need to shower before bed. The washroom is at the opposite end of the hall, there's only one in the building so the boys have to wait until we're finished. The third year girls go first since there isn't enough cubicles for all of us, plus they're our upperclassmen so they get priority. While the rest of us wait, we discuss how exhausting our first day of training camp was and what we think will happen tomorrow. If we finish early, we might get to go into the boy's gym and watch some volleyball games; there wasn't chance today since we started so late but there might be in future.

"I wonder if the boys will come down tonight," Koharu wonders aloud, curled up beside me on my mattress.

"Duh," Ahmya says.

"But I'm _tired_ ," Koharu whines, throwing her arm dramatically across her face.

"Would you still be too tired if Soekawa came?"

She cracks open one of her eyes. "I didn't say _that_."

I roll my eyes fondly. She's had a crush on the opposite hitter ever since our first year, they probably would have gotten together if it wasn't for Washijou's lecture. To be honest, I think we care more about his threat than the boys do. They still freely flirt with us with little regard to his warning. Maybe because they know he can't do anything since he needs them on the team.

Kishi comes back still towelling her hair to tell us the washroom is free. We scrabble to our feet excitedly, racing to see who can get to the best shower cubicle first.

The other girls finish up before I do, since I decide at the last minute to shave my legs. I'm not even finished by the time the first years are done, they're too shy to shower longer than a couple of minutes before darting out again. I can't be certain whether it's my presence unnerving them or they're just tense because it's their first training camp.

I'm not concentrating when I slide the washroom door open, not until I bump into something large and solid does it bring me back down to earth. With a gasp, I stumble backward and risk a glance upwards.

My heart sinks to the floor when I realise I've walked into Ushijima. Again.

"Sorry!" I wince, unable to meet his eye as he bears down on me. This is _not_ how I envisioned our meeting. Now we're face to face, I'm too afraid to say anything to him. All my confidence dissipates, quickly turning into nerves.

"It's all right. I didn't know the girls were still using the washroom. My apologies."

"No, I was the only one left. It's free," I tell him. My legs are shaking from being in such close proximity to him, only inches away from his chest.

I try to step out of his way but he only blocks my path. Confused, I stare at him and suddenly becoming overwhelmingly nervous. Of course I know he wouldn't do anything sinister, yet I don't understand why he isn't letting me past. Is he annoyed at me? Did Tendou mention the flowers to him? Was I not supposed to say anything about them? I can't think of anything else that would cause this strange reaction.

"Let me walk you back to your room."

" _What_?"

"It is the gentlemanly thing to do."

I suppress my own smile when I see he is smiling slightly, like it's a joke.

"Did Tendou tell you to do that?"

"No. I want to."

"Well, my room is only down the hall," I jab my thumb in the direction of the light coming from under the door.

"That doesn't matter."

"Okay. Then it would be an honour."

We start walking down the hall, I move deliberately slow so I can extend our amount of time together. I won't have a more perfect opportunity to ask him about the flowers than now, but I need to work up the courage first. His silence doesn't help. Maybe if he chatted to me like a normal boy would then I would feel more at ease. The echoing quiet only makes me feel more tense.

"Ushijima-san?" I begin, voice sounding much smaller than necessary. "Can I ask you something."

"Yes."

"Um..." I stop at the vending machine, the blue light emanating from within bathes his face in a soft glow. He really is too handsome for his own good. "Why did you buy me those flowers yesterday?"

He frowns. "I thought it would be a nice gesture. Should I not have?"

"No, no!" I exclaim, waving my hands. "I really appreciated it! It just... doesn't seem like something you would do- in the least offensive way possible."

"No one has ever helped me the way you have before," is his reply.

"What do you mean?"

"Nobody has ever thought it was necessary for me to focus on education when I got into Shiratorizawa on a sports scholarship. When I asked for help, nobody was ever patient enough with me to go through it."

My face falls at the mental image of Ushijima holed up in his dorm growing more frustrated and despairing over homework he didn't understand or a test he failed, never being deemed vital enough to help. Sporting prowess can only get you so far through life, you need decent grades to back it up too. He may be the best volleyball player in the prefecture, but there will still be college entry exams he needs to get through in order to attend whichever university he has his heart set on.

"I can still help you even when it's not exam season," I say. "I think we work well together."

Ushijima's face softens so much it's almost unrecognisable. "Thank you, L/N. That's a very selfless offer."

I shuffle my feet. "It's really not. Besides, you helped me with math and no one has ever done that for me before either."

"I am glad we could help each other."

"I feel bad for not getting you something now"

"There's no need. I barely helped in comparison to what you did for me."

"I could buy you a soda?" I offer lamely, turning around to look at the drinks machine.

"Thank you but I don't drink soda. My diet doesn't allow it."

I sigh internally. Of course it doesn't.

"I still feel bad," I mumble.

"I'm telling you not to. Being able to attend the training camp was enough for me."

I nod, pretending to listen to his words, when really I'm thinking about what I can get him to show my own appreciation. Maybe a keychain? They're perfectly neutral and everyone uses keys. Perhaps one shaped like a volleyball. That would be cute. At least I know volleyball is something he likes for certain.

"Also, tonight the boys plan to come and try to scare you," he informs me bluntly. "I thought I should forewarn you in case you get worried."

"That definitely sounds like something they'd do," I sigh. "Maybe I won't tell the others, it'll be funny to see their reactions. Will you be joining us?"

"No. I plan on going for a run early tomorrow and I want to be on top form."

"Not even one night?" I try to persuade him. I'm not sure why I want him there so badly when I know he doesn't want to be there. Still, I feel bad for not offering.

"Why would you want me there?"

I lift one shoulder up in a shrug. "I like hanging out with you."

"I see..." He says, eyebrows knitting together. "You are the first person who has ever said that to me."

"Surely not?"

"I'm telling the truth."

"Oh... That's, um, sad. You're really nice." I squeeze my eyes shut once I realise what has accidentally spewed out of my mouth. I hope he didn't hear. Though, judging by the way he looks at me in surprise, he definitely has.

I hear movement from upstairs, letting me know the third year boys are about to come down and shower. Not that I'm embarrassed of Ushijima in the slightest, I just don't want anyone seeing us and making fun of him for it.

"I should probably get back," I say.

"I haven't walked you all the way yet."

Looking at him from the corner of my eye, I soon realise that he is being absolutely serious. With a giggle, I start walking back. It only takes less than a minute to reach the girls dormitory. Even though the door is closed, I can still hear their raised voices and laughter from within. Seems like they're all too giddy to sleep. I should've known.

"This is my stop," I tell him with a small smile. "Thanks for walking me back, Ushijima-san. It was really nice of you."

"It's no problem." Why does he look so confused? "I will see you tomorrow."

"Have a good rest!" I wave before slipping into the girls room, trying to ensure that they can't see him when the door is open.

"Who were you talking to?" Sana asks, looking up from her phone.

"No one," I shrug, moving over to my suitcase to get some lotion.

"I heard you!" She says, springing up onto all fours. "You were saying goodbye to someone!"

"I wasn't!" I widen my eyes in faux innocence. "Who would I even be talking to you? All you guys are in here and the boys are upstairs still."

She narrows her eyes at me, yet doesn't persist. My heart is beating rapidly at her suspicion but I've managed to get away with it.

For now.


	11. Chapter 11

I'm glad that Ushijima forewarned me about the boy's plan to scare us. I haven't been asleep long when I'm being shaken awake by a terrified Ruki. Her eyes are wide, hair a ruffled mess as she leans across her mattress to get closer to me.

"Y/N, there's someone outside the window," she whispers.

"Huh?" I ask, rubbing my eyes and trying to come round.

"Did anybody hear that?" One of the first years asks, voice sounding incredibly shaky.

"Is this a joke?" Kishi asks sharply. "Is one of you messing around?"

Her voice is cut off by the sound of something scratching on the glass window. We all gasp in unison, some girls fall off their mattress, some dive right under their duvets, Sana clutches onto me so tightly I can feel her fingernails digging painfully into my skin. If I wasn't awake a few moments ago, I am now. My body has gone ice cold and rigid in fear.

"Kishi-chan, go and see what is it," Misaki whines.

"Are you crazy?" She snaps. "Why should I have to?"

"You're the captain!"

"Y/N should go!"

"What?" I protest. "I'm not going!"

Something smacks against the window, causing it to rattle in the pane. Sana lets out a scream. I slap my hand over her mouth before she wakes any of the coaches.

Suddenly, Ushijima's words from earlier come flooding back to me.

' _The boys are planning on scaring you_ '.

"I'll go!" I say suddenly.

In the dark, everyone turns to look at me in amazement. Even Kishi looks stunned. Usually I'm one of the biggest scaredy cats alongside Sana, me offering to do this is very out of character. I have to stifle a laugh at their reactions.

"You're right," I try to sound serious. "If I'm going to be captain next year then I need to take initiative."

Standing up, I pretend to steel myself and sigh. "If I don't make it back, it was an honour to be on the squad with you all."

"Y/N, you can't be serious!" Eichi's voice is high-pitched and terrified. "We'll go with you, you can't go on your own!"

"No, Eichi," I say gravely. "I have to."

With that, I creep out of the room and begin tiptoeing down the corridor. I pull my hoodie tighter around myself as I gently push open the side door, peering outside to see if I can spot the boys anywhere. I have to estimate where our window would be. Keeping to the side of the building as to avoid suspicion, I make my way around the side and see them crouched beneath it. In the dark I can't make out who is who, but it looks like everyone is present. There's somebody on someone's shoulders as they drag their nails down the window, emitting a horrible scratching sound. From behind the wall, I hear the girl's muffled noises of fright.

"Not cool, guys," I whisper.

"Holy shit!" I hear Ito exclaim. He must be the elevated one because he falls straight off their shoulders, his weight pulling them down too. As I get closer and my sight adjusts to the dark, I realise that he was on Tendou's shoulders. That makes sense. He's the tallest one here.

"How were you not scared?" Shirabu gawks at me.

I shrug, looking smug. "It'll take more than you idiots to scare me."

"The others were scared, right?" Ito demands. "I could hear Kishi shrieking like a little girl."

"Yeah, they're petrified. Well done." I roll my eyes slightly. "Are you coming in or are you going to wait out here all night?"

"Y/N, so suggestive," Reon teases, wiggling his eyebrows. I groan in embarrassment and he puts his arm around me teasingly as we all begin to walk back inside. The only thing I can think about is that Ushijima isn't here. I knew he wouldn't come, not after what he said and how he sounded so disapproving, but it still stings. I thought I'd managed to appeal to him, especially since he looked so torn.

I guess volleyball is just more important.

Putting my finger to my lips, I open the door as quietly as I can without letting it creak. Leaning over to the wall, I flick the light switch on so the girls won't get scared and think someone has broken in to hurt them.

"Look who I found," I tell them, opening the door wider to reveal who is behind me.

The girls squeal excitedly, leaping up from their respective mattresses and rushing to the door to greet them. Some girls hang back in an attempt to look cool, mostly the third years as they roll their eyes and tut at the younger girl's behaviour; though it's so obvious they're as excited as us. Spending quality time with the volleyball team is the highlight of every training camp.

Once we usher the boys inside, they begin settling down around the room. When I sit down on my mattress, I'm pleasantly surprised when Semi makes a beeline over to where I am, looking at me questioningly before I give him permission to sit down beside me. I smile warmly at him, still wondering why he chose to sit here. Ruki sends me a puzzled look too, all I can do is shrug it off subtly. Not that I mind, of course. I like Semi, he's one of my friends- it just feels strange.

I'm very aware of the heat emanating from his body as he sits next to me, pulling his legs into his chest and resting his chin on his knees. Holding my breath slightly out of nerves, I lean back onto my hands, stretching my legs out in front of me. Maybe this will convince everyone that I'm totally casual about being sat next to him.

I let the other's conversation wash over me. I vaguely hear them talking about training camps and practise matches, Ito in the middle of telling the girls how they won their match against Shinzen High. He's talking about how Ushijima hit the final service ace which was the decider of their match.

"He's amazing," Etsu sighs wistfully. "When he jumps on the court it looks like he's floating. Like an angel."

"A very grumpy one," Yamagata mutters, making everyone laugh.

"He's just misunderstood," Yoshiko defends. "He smiles around Y/N."

"Huh?" I ask, my brain still not having caught up with her statement.

Everyone in the rooms eyes land on me, curiously awaiting my response. How am I even meant to reply to something like that? Obviously it's not true, there's no way I can express how false it is. I know they won't believe me. Especially if the other girls start to tease me too. The boys will just roll with it and from here on out it'll be a running joke. Thinking about it somehow getting back to Ushijima is enough to turn my insides to stone.

"That isn't true."

"I saw you two coming back from a run the other week and he was smiling then," she drops the bomb. The one that makes me stiffen in shock. How did she-?

"You went on a run with him?" Eichi smacks my shoulder, looking affronted. "You said nothing about that to us!"

"I didn't go on a run _with_ him!" I express desperately. "I went running and he was on the same route as me so we ended up walking back at the same time."

Sana looks hurt as she turns to me, expression wounded and eyes doleful. "You never told me."

"It wasn't important!" My heart is picking up now, terrified of the sudden scrutiny I'm under. I shouldn't even _have_ to explain myself. It's none of their business who I talk to; yet, because I like Ushijima so much, I feel like I have to convince myself and others that I don't.

I meet Tendou's eyes from across the room. Mercifully he says nothing, just slyly winking. If he told the girls that I've been helping Ushijima study for the past few weeks there'd be a minor earthquake. Or a major one if Eichi has anything to do with it. She hates being left out of the loop even more than Sana. Just because she's an oversharer she doesn't understand why some people choose to keep things to themselves.

"Actually, he _does_ talk to you more than any other girl," Seokawa concedes, tapping his chin in thought.

"That's because no girls talk to him."

Reon chuckles. "Girls _always_ talk to him. They give him love letters and everything."

"He can't even walk to class without girls deliberately bumping into him," Semi says quietly, so only I can hear him.

"Love letters?" I ask faintly.

"Yeah, he has them all in a drawer in his dorm," chuckles Tendou, which of course makes everyone else laugh. "He never reads them. He's not interested."

"I wonder why," Kishi says teasingly, looking straight at me.

I wish there was some way I could protest my innocence, but all the words die out on my tongue. All I can do is allow them to poke fun of me.

Does Ushijima really treat me differently to other girls? If so, _why_? Is it because he's comfortable around me because he considers me... a friend? Saying that word fills me with dread, though I suppose being stuck in the friend zone is less painful than losing him altogether. At least that way I could keep him close.

"He doesn't have time for girls," I remind them.

Ito shakes his head fondly. "You keep telling yourself that, Y/N."

I feel like screaming in frustration. What does that even _mean_?

"I need to go to the bathroom," I announce, getting to my feet. Nobody seems to notice, turning their attention to Kishi and Ito, it's now their turn to get teased.

"Want me to come with you?" Semi asks. He then blinks, rosiness dusting his sharp cheekbones. "I mean; do you want me to walk you? It's dark after all."

I smile wanly. "Thanks, but I'll be okay."

Managing to manoeuvre my way through the mattresses and bodies, I make my way out into the dark hall and lean against the wall with a sigh, burying my head in my hands. If only everyone knew how pissed off their jokes made me. Then again, maybe I shouldn't be so easily frustrated and learn to take them better. It's not their fault Ushijima will never like me the same way I like him.

Suddenly, an idea strikes me. I'm not sure what brings it on; frustration, helplessness or desperation, but I decide to go and talk to Ushijima. There's no other boys left in their room so I should be safe, that's if I'm stealthy enough to bypass the coaches room. If I tiptoe I should manage it.

However, once I get halfway up the stairs, I lose my nerve entirely. I'm left stood in the staircase ferociously chewing my lip with shaking knees. wondering if this is really the right thing to do. Will Ushijima want to see me? Will he be annoyed that I'm disturbing him? I imagine he's used to it sharing a room with the rest of his rowdy team mates, but he doesn't know me like he does with them. We're not close at all. Perhaps I'm just feeling too emboldened by our talk in the hallway. Maybe it didn't mean anything.

Before I know it, my feet have carried me outside of the boy's room so there is no turning back now. Bracing myself, I knock as gently as possible as to not alert the adults in the room next door. My heart skips a beat when I hear Ushijima's deep voice telling me to enter.

It feels like I'm going to throw up when I slowly turn the doorknob, wincing when the door squeaks on its hinges. Closing my eyes and inhaling deeply, I steel myself and step inside the room, closing the door behind me.

"L/N?" Ushijima's voice is one of utter surprise. In the dim lighting, I can make out his large figure on one of the mattresses in the middle of the room. He quickly sits up, the duvet falling to his hips and revealing his sleep shirt emblazoned with the UCLA logo. Since he's been lying down, his hair is adorably ruffled at the back. His eyes are alert and bright.

"I'm sorry," I say, overcome with nerves. "I didn't know where else to go."

His eyebrows furrow. "Did something happen? Was it the boys?"

Obviously I can't tell him exactly why I'm here, so I have to elaborate the truth slightly.

"Not really. It's a bit too loud in our room," I sigh. "I didn't want to sit on my own and I knew you were up here so..."

Ushijima looks flustered. "Of course you can stay. Have a seat wherever you can find one."

Instead of boldly sitting on the same mattress as him like I'd like to, I perch on the one next to him, crossing my legs so there's no risk of us touching. It's awkward enough that I'm in such close proximity to him.

"Sorry to interrupt," I mumble. "You weren't asleep were you?"

"No, I was reading before bed."

"What were you reading?"

He holds up the brightly coloured magazine that he discarded when I walked in the room. Immediately, I recognise it as an edition of a popular manga. My lips curl into a smile. I never thought Ushijima would like manga. It doesn't seem like his type of thing at all. I had him down for someone who would only read sporting magazines or non-fiction books- if he ever read at all. It's really endearing.

"That looks interesting," I say. "What's it about?"

"Tendou only gave it to me the other day, but it's about a notebook that kills whoever's name has been written in it."

"That's gruesome."

"Yes, rather. But the main character has an admirable motive for it."

I raise an eyebrow. "It's concerning you think that."

He chuckles. "Do you have an interest in manga too?"

"I haven't really read a lot, to be honest," I tell him. "Just a few shoujou ones when I was younger, mainly to help understand Japanese. Once my sister found my stash of them under my bed and teased me for days."

"There's nothing wrong with that."

"Right? I thought they were so romantic but she thought it was gross. We were only kids though, so I can kind of forgive her for it."

"Do you... read normal books?" Ushijima questions. I can tell he's making an effort and it makes my heart soar, like I'm floating in the night sky amongst all the stars.

"Sometimes. I used to but it's a lot harder with school now. Most of the time it's just reading textbooks which is boring," I wrinkle my nose. "You don't really read, right? I remember you telling me."

"No. I did like to draw, though."

"Really?" I perk up. Ushijima is an artist? How adorable.

"When I was younger. Not so much now. I haven't drawn since middle school. But it was a very fun past time."

"Let me guess; you had to stop because of volleyball?"

"I didn't have to, I simply lost interest. It seemed useless in comparison."

"I can't imagine you as a kid," I blurt out without thinking, not realising how offensive it sounds until it's come out. "Sorry."

Ushijima cocks his head, looking puzzled. "What do you mean?"

"Nothing bad! You just seem like you've been beyond your years your whole life. You're a very astute person- it's hard imagining those traits in a child."

"Oh. In that case, you're right. I've always been dedicated to volleyball and achieving my goals, even in middle school."

"Yeah, I heard you were famous even back then. You must've been playing for most of your life."

"Yes. Ever since I was a child." He pauses when the sound of movement comes from the room next door. With a squeak, I dive under the duvet of the mattress on and huddle under in a small ball.

"Boys?" Coach Saito's voice calls out. "Are you still awake?"

"Sorry," he replies. "We'll sleep now."

A few moments later, the duvet is peeled back and Ushijima's face is revealed, looking down at me almost curiously.

"It's safe."

I blow away the strands of hair sticking to my face. "That was close. I'm now realising this was a bad idea."

"How so?"

"I almost got caught!" I exclaim in a low voice. "Imagine how much trouble I would've been in."

"I don't think there's explicit rules against it. You're not doing anything wrong, we're simply talking."

Ushijima's view of the world is so black and white I almost envy him. To have such a lack of complex thoughts must be a blessing. Also being the star player and Golden Boy of the whole school must also have its perks, he's basically immune to all scoldings or criticism. The coaches worship the ground he walks on.

I try not to, though I don't do a very good job.

"I should probably go anyway," I sigh. "I'm sorry for bothering you. I'll let you sleep now."

"You weren't bothering me," he says, much to my surprise. I didn't think he would even comment, simply letting me walk out without another word. "What you said earlier, I feel the same."

"Huh?" The temperature in the room begins to rise.

"I like spending time with you," he says simply, like he hasn't dropped the biggest bomb. Like the breath isn't stuck in my throat and the air hasn't been sucked out of the room. "Goodnight, L/N."

How am I supposed to leave after that? How am I meant to do anything other than stare at him dumbfounded?

Are Ushijima and I slowly becoming friends?


End file.
